


Go Go Go

by Stonewall1862



Series: Fresh Bruises [3]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Bad Jokes, Dorks in Love, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts House assignment, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Drug Addiction, Past Relationship(s), UK - Freeform, bad song puns, vacationing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 17:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18596446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stonewall1862/pseuds/Stonewall1862
Summary: The UK beckons as Oliver takes Kellin with him, along with his family to the UK for his mother's business. Kellin is ready to take their relationship further, but hurdles lay in their way. Forgiveness, past relationships, and self-doubt all take their toll as Kellin discovers the beautiful land his boyfriend came from. With all his insecurities, will Oli ever be ready to let Kellin experience that side of him? Or will a past relationship ruin all they might have had together.





	Go Go Go

“Aren’t you supposed to be packing?” Rachel asked, looking up from her towel, where Vic was applying sunblock to her back.

               “Aren’t you supposed to be folding t-shirts at your summer job?” Kellin raised an eyebrow at her.

               “Someone’s sassy when his SO is away,” she chuckled. “And I have the day off. Seriously though. You’re leaving for London in, like, a day. Please tell me you have not saved all your packing for tonight.”

               Kellin just rolled his eyes, “It’s not like I’m going to a third world country guys. If I forget something, I’ll just get it while I’m there. Besides, I have a local to get me around. In fact, I have three.”

               “You and Oli have a separate room from his Mom and Tom though, right?” Vic queried, his hands lingering on Rachel affectionately. “Kind of hard to get it on with his mother and brother there…”

               “Yeah,” Kellin sighed. “Not that it will accomplish anything.” Slipping his sunglasses down from his head, he flopped back onto his towel, the sun warming his skin as the sounds of Lake Huron lapped at his ears.

               “Oh man, no movement on that front then?” Vic’s voice reached him. “Dude, you had Derek in a few weeks, and Christian in a month, and then there was the others whose names I forgot. How have you lasted this long?”

               “I don’t know. I just…I don’t want to rush or scare him. Like I can tell he wants it, but there’s just this bit of hesitation there.”

               “Take charge then Kellin,” Rachel injected. “Maybe he’s waiting for you to lead?”

               “Or here’s a novel idea: you could just ask him. Like just bluntly ask if he’s ready,” Vic added.

               “I know. I’ll try. I just…don’t want to pressure him y’know? I’ve already hinted a bunch that I’m ready, so I know he’s got it. And I love him, and hanging out with him. It’s not that I’m not satisfied. I’m just ready to know him deeper.”

               “Dude we get it,” Vic said. “Or at least I do. One never knows with girls,”

               “I get it too thanks,” Rachel growled up at him. “Ya’ll think you are the only ones with libidos I swear…”

               “Yeah, cause ours are simple to understand,” Vic bantered playfully. “Seriously man. Just be open and talk to him. That’s always worked for you two. Or you could just take the lead like Rach said.”

               Kellin let out a deep breath. “Yeah. I just know I gotta go slow, y’know? I don’t wanna take it slow, but that’s what he needs I think. It’s kind of like doing a calc problem. If you rush and skip steps, you’re going to come out with the wrong answer.”

               “Dude no offense, but I do not want to hear about calculus.”

               “Why? you’re going to be taking it in the fall anyway.” Kellin smirked at him.

               “Thank God I’m going to be in your classes for math. Otherwise I’d be fucked…”

               “Vic you’ll be fine. I’m sure Kellin will tutor you, won’t you Kellin?” Rachel asked sweetly.

               “Ummmmm…” Kellin hummed, pretending to think about it.

               “See? I’m fucked.”

               “Who’s fucked?” a familiar voice asked from a short distance away, the lilt of a British accent sending the hair on Kellin’s arms to attention. It had only been a few weeks since his vocal chords had begun to heal to the point that he could talk, but after being deprived, Kellin was falling in love with Oli’s voice all over again. Not to mention that every time he heard it, a little bit more of the massive amount of guilt Kellin had heaped on himself chipped away.

               “Tell your boyfriend he has to tutor me in calculus,” Vic whined.

               “I will be the last person to tell Kellin to do anything,” Oli smirked. “But I’m sure if you asked him very kindly…”

               Sitting up Kellin lifted the sunglasses back to his hair to see Oli better as he approached their little group on the sand. He was wearing shorts and tank-top, ink swirled all over his skin with his many tattoos. The skin without color was pale, muscles beneath still toned from the soccer season. Wind from the lakes tickled the sickles of brown hair, causing them to kiss the diamond edge cheek bones. For Kellin, watching his boyfriend walk across the sand was better than any Baywatch intro.

               “You got a little bit of drool,” Vic interrupted his staring as he leaned down next him.

               “Shut up,” Kellin groused, shoving him away as his best friend laughed. Oli smirked down at him and plopped down onto the blanket.

               “S’alright love. We’ll kick their arses in volleyball,” Oli reassured, bumping his warm shoulder against Kellin’s.

               “Nu-uh!” Vic injected. “Kellin’s on my team this time. It’s me and Kellin vs. you and Rach.”

               “No offense Rach, but how is that remotely fair? The last time you two were on a team I got massacred with paint,” the multi-colored boy pouted.

               “Tossed a penny for teams earlier,” Kellin shrugged.

               “Don’t worry Oli. Vic is good on the field, but he sucks in the sand,” Rachel sniffed. “And we’re going to make them eat it.”

               Returning her smile, Oli said, “Well I better get some sun screen on before all my tats fade, so we can kick some arse.”

               “You guys wanna hang the net?” Kellin asked, grabbing the bag his mother had packed and handing it to them.

               “Yeah, just don’t get too into the sunscreen,” Vic teased. “Remember, sex on the beach is a drink, not an activity. At least not one you do outside tropical islands.”

               “Well nuts Oli, we may as well go home,” Kellin said in mock drama, earning an eye roll and a soft scoff from the other boy.

               Oli grabbed the sunscreen bottle. “Go ahead, and turn ‘round.” His voice sounded a little hoarse, but it usually did after a speech therapy lesson.

               Slipping his shirt up over his head, Kellin turned for his boyfriend. It wasn’t as if they’d never seen each other with their shirts off, but it was usually in dim a bedroom, making out and touching one another before their families returned home. Here it was sunny, and they didn’t have their lips and eyes preoccupied. Kellin had always thought he had a decent body, or least no one had ever complained, and he’d received plenty of complements before. But there was something about being exposed in front of someone you loved so much that was both comforting and terrifying all at once.

               Secretly Kellin was very much in love with Oli’s hands. They weren’t soft or particularly gentle, but they were dexterous and talented. Dragging his palms down either side of Kellin’s spine, he had to do his best not to sigh in pleasure.

               “Your tattoo looks all healed. How is your skin this soft?” Oli muttered in awe, fingers pressing against Kellin’s shoulders with cool sunscreen, before finally pulling away. It left Kellin tingling all over.

               “I don’t know. I don’t do anything special,” Kellin glowed at the complement. Turning again he looked at Oli after he tried to pull his own locks hair back into a tiny bun, though a few strands still made their escape.

               “I swear you do this just because you like it when I play with your hair,” Oli chuckled ruefully, plucking the hair tie out, and raking his fingers through the ebony waves.

               “Maybe…”

               “You need a haircut,” Oli added, expertly pulling Kellin’s hair out of his face. “Although maybe I should have let you do this. We might have a chance at Volleyball then.”

               Kellin stuck his tongue out, “You just know you’re gonna get your ass owned again.”

               “Unfortunately.”

               “Alright, turn around and I’ll get your back.”

               “I’m leaving m’shirt on,” Oli muttered firmly.

               “Oli, it’s like 100 degrees, and you’re wearing a black shirt. You’re gonna melt.” His boyfriend’s lips pressed into a frown. Kellin thought this might happen, and had thought of arguments. “It’s a weekday, this place is nearly deserted, and with all your tattoos no one can see the scars unless their like right next to you. Besides, I love your body and I’m not confirming anything, but it might…just might… distract me while we’re playing.”

               Glancing up the beach and seeing that Kellin was right, Oli gave him a small sigh and hesitant smile. He slipped the garment over his head and spun so Kellin could get his back while he did his own chest and arms. Grinning at having won the debate, Kellin rubbed the lotion over the demon fox as it stared back at him. Along with each of its nine tails. It really was beautifully done, the hues bleeding like morbid watercolors. Kellin could tell Juju had put so much work and care into the piece, each of the nine tails hiding the nine lashes Oli’s father had given him. The cuts had healed and been painted, but the damage remained within, but Kellin was confident that every scar would build Oliver’s throne, and he would master his darkness within him eventually, even if it took years.

               “Holy shit those are so wicked!” Vic exclaimed as Kellin and Oli came over to the net with the ball. “I didn’t realize you really had them everywhere!”

               Oli rubbed the back of his neck shyly. “Yeah…”

               “Stop gawking at my boyfriend,” Kellin demanded and tossed the ball to Vic as he joined him on the other side.

               “The fox is so beautiful Oli,” Rachel said encouragingly, which only made Oli blush more.

               “Thanks…”

               “Alright, everybody’s eyes off the etch-a-sketch and back to the game,” Kellin commanded, tapping his sunglasses onto his nose and giving Vic the look to just serve the ball already.

               With that, Vic fixed his usual hat to hold back his long hair and gave the white ball a toss. It turned out that Rachel had been right about Vic. Though he was the shortest of the boys there, he seemed to struggle in the sand. All the power and pizzazz he maintained on the soccer field was lost as he stomped through the loose, pale particles.

               Rachel, on the other hand, was in her zone. She was a strong breast-stroker on the swim team, and her legs seemed to absorb the mounds of sand. Every time Kellin hit it high, she would be in the back to pop it forward and allow Oli, the tallest there, to spike it down over the net. Kellin had to work hard, jumping high, flinging himself down on the sand, out of breath in the first ten minutes. Rachel and Oli were merciless though, bumping, setting and spiking until Kellin and Vic couldn’t take it.

               “Alright! Ok! You’ve beaten us a thousand to 20 I’m sure,” Kellin finally called off. Bracing himself on his knees. Vic looked equally tired.

               “I got 42 to 8 if we’re just counting each touch as a single point,” Rachel gloated, high fiving Oli as they approached the net together.

               “You look a bit tired, love,” Oli said, giving him a cheeky grin.

               “Shut up, both of you,” Vic moaned, stretching his legs out.

               “Aw you being a sore loser?” Rachel mocked.

               Suddenly alive, Vic swung under the net. “I’ll show you sore loser!” he promised, lifting Rachel up around the torso as she shrieked and laughed, and carrying her the several feet into the lake and tossing her in. Her yelling turned to howls about how cold it was, and she leapt back up to tackle Vic into frigid water.

               “Don’t even think about it,” Oli warned, putting his hands up in defense and batting Kellin’s away as he rushed him. “I am not Rachel.”

               “What? I’ve lifted you before…” Kellin beamed, catching Oli’s arms.

               “I recall that I was delirious with a fever,” Oli challenged back. “I never would have let you do it otherwise, and you will never get to do it again. Besides, if you toss me in, I’ll drown. You know I can’t swim.”

               “Which is why I’ll be there with you,” Kellin simpered, guiding Oli toward the water despite his hesitation.

               “What if the waves knock me over? And why does it smell like that?”

                “I will hold your hand the whole time. We’ll just go up to your waist. And baby that’s lake water. It always smells like that.”

               Oli seemed to want to protest more but Kellin was already at the waves and pulling him in. Kellin could visibly see the shiver run through him as the chilled liquid lapped at their legs like a thousand frozen tongues. “See? It’s not so bad. The lake isn’t scary.”

               “What are you talking about?” Rachel scoffed, swimming over. “Haven’t you ever heard of the Edmund Fitzgerald?”

               “Who’s Edmund Fitzgerald?” Oli queried quickly.

               “Rach that was on Lake Superior. Sorry Oli, it’s a ship, that went down in a giant storm on Lake Superior.”

               “Well what Lake are we in?”

               “Huron,” Kellin answered in a reassuring tone.

               “Yeah but we still get Sturgeon,” Rachel added.

               “Oh come on. They’re way out there tho-AH!” Suddenly Kellin felt something grab his legs and pull him sideways and down under the water. In his surprise he pulled Oli with him. Disoriented, he could feel the pull of the waves, and he wiggled his one leg free to make purchase against the soft sand. When he surfaced he pulled Oli up with him and watched him sputter out water, gripping Kellin’s hands so tight that he was sure they might break in two.

               Ignoring the laughter from Rachel and Vic he gently pushed Oli back to shore, and flopped next to him on the sand, half in, half out, waves lapping at their bodies.

               “Wanker,” Oli panted at his side, brunette locks stuck everywhere.

               “Oh c’mon. You grew up on a giant island,” Vic calmed once he was done laughing at the other couple.

               “He never learned how to swim,” Kellin frowned at him. Oli would never go in the water again now. How were they supposed to have hot pool sex or something on their vacation? Not that they would get there if he kept waiting for Oli to make the move.

               “Seriously?!” Vic asked with incredulity. “You mean you took a running leap for a ship, and had you missed you would have drown?”

               Oli just shrugged, still getting over being pulled under the waves. He said in a rough voice, “We didn’t exactly have a ton of…options.” In the back of Kellin’s mind, he reminded himself that Oli had also been suicidal at that time, something Kellin was sure he would never forgive himself for.

               “You’d do the same for me, right hun?” Rachel egged on, coming to the shore and sitting on the other side of Oli.

               “Ummm…I mean yeah I guess I would,” Vic grimaced.

               “You’re too smart to get caught like that though,” Oli added, helping Vic out for some reason, and giving a side-long glance to his boyfriend.  

               “Hey! I’m not dumb!” Kellin contended. “I’m pretty smart!”

               Oli looked at him hard for a long moment, making Kellin’s stomach crawl for a moment. But then his frown broke and his eyes twinkled wickedly. “Well, you’re _pretty_ anyway.”

               “Next time I’m just gonna let you drown!”

               At this Oli laughed aloud, his head tilting back. His vocal chords still sounded rough as he did so, but Kellin would take that any day over the mute creature he had been. Oli’s laugh was worth everything.

               It was over too quickly as Kellin heard car doors shutting. He and Oli looked back and he could see a family with young children getting out at the parking lot that overlooked the sand and waves. The children were quite gung-ho, but the mother paused, staring at them with a frown for a moment. One would think she’d never seen teenagers before. Kellin didn’t get it.

               Oli sighed and lifted himself from the water, shaking it out of his hair and shuffling over to where they had piled their things on the blankets. Kellin and Rachel exchanged looks before he rose to follow. Kellin watched as Oli dried and slipped his tank back over his head. It clicked then, and Kellin’s knee-jerk reaction was to feel rage. If that woman hadn’t stared like that, Oli would never have felt uncomfortable or compelled enough to cover himself. Quelling the rage, as it never helped Oli, Kellin settled on compassion.

               “You know you need to pack at some point. I bet you haven’t even started yet-“ Oli began, trying to cover it as usual.

               “You’re beautiful. You know that, right?” Kellin blurted, trying to convey exactly how he felt with his voice and gaze.

               The brunette’s eyes widened, but then his face settled with a soft smile. “I know you think so. And I also know that that opinion is not shared by everyone.”

               “Yeah but my opinion is the only one that matters,” Kellin said firmly, reaching out and tugging gently at the tank top. Out of the corner of his eye, the family had descended the weather-beaten stairs and was ambling further down the beach away from them.

               Cool, damp hands clasped his wrists and Oli kissed the bridge of his nose affectionately, though Kellin could still see the chill deep in those hazel eyes. “So have you packed yet or not?”

               Kellin wanted to say more, tell Oli that he never needed to hide his scars, that no matter what anyone else thought of him, Kellin would always love him. But instead he answered, “Does it count if I have my toothbrush packed?”

               “Is it the only thing you packed?”

               Giving him the best innocent smile he could, Kellin answered coyly, “Maybe…”

               “Ugh…that’s it. You need to go pack!”

 

               Looking at his suitcase, Oli tilted his head trying to remember if he was forgetting anything. His ipod, wallet, and phone were on him, and his book was set off to the side for the flight. All his charge cords and toiletries were neatly arranged in the zipping portion, and his clothes were folded and coordinated within. “What am I missing?” he asked himself, mumbling aloud.

               “Me!” a higher voice answered, and jumping a bit at the sudden voice, Oli turned to see his favorite person poking a raven-haired head into his room. “Your mom says to go put you stuff in the car, cause they’re ready to go. Or really, Tom is. Your mom’s still in the kitchen.”

               It was a testament to how far they had come as a couple when it registered that something in Kellin’s face, his speech, his manners were off. Before he could ask though, Kellin was already leading the way back to the kitchen and picking up the duffle bag he had packed. Oli had no doubts that articles of clothing had been haphazardly thrown in, and Kellin would have forgotten something. This was why he had packed an extra toothbrush, comb, hoodie, and undergarments. He loved Kellin to death, even the scatterbrained part of him.

               “Oh Kellin! Would you mind putting these in your bag since you’re sharing a room with Oli?” His mother asked him, holding out several weekly pill holders bound together by a rubber band. At first Kellin seemed confused, but his mother continued, “The red ones are for the morning, and turquoise ones are for the evening.”

               Oli could feel chagrin pass through him. His mother still didn’t trust him to take care of his own medications, something any eighteen-year-old should be able to do. Kellin seemed to take it in stride though and opening the side of his bag, and smiled at Ms. Sykes with a quick, “No problem!” Stuck in his mind for half the car ride, Oli resurfaced when they arrived at the airport.

               An all-day rain was soaking all of the greater Detroit area as they parked, in which he noticed the apprehension cross Kellin’s face again as he looked out at the rain. Kellin had been so excited about going to the U.K., Oli wondered if he had changed his mind. Was spending two weeks with nothing but Oli and his family suddenly too much for him?

               In the middle of the day, the rush of morning planes was gone, but there was still enough people in the security line to make Oli reach for Kellin’s hand, the warmth and firmness grounding him. The gate was much less crowded and Oli relaxed, but Kellin became much more tense. His face was pinched as he watched the rain continue to pour down.

               “Do you want the window?” Oli asked. “Tom always insists on the aisle.”

               Kellin just shook his head though, as if he were afraid to speak. Concern continued to build as they took their seats. Oli took the window, Kellin in the middle, and Tom on the aisle with their mother across at the other aisle seat. It was then the brightly colored boy noticed the pale hands shaking and everything clicked.

               Slipping his hand into Kellin’s he leaned toward him and murmured so Tom couldn’t hear them. “Are you afraid to fly?”

               Bewildered blue eyes looked up at him, and Oli could see the blush on his cheeks. “I…I’ve never flown.”

               “Really?” This was news to Oli. He knew Kellin had taken vacations with his mother and step-father, had even told Oli about them. Had they never flown to those destinations? Why hadn’t Kellin said anything until now?

               “Yeah…I’ve never been on an airplane,” Kellin frowned, glancing down and chewing his lip. The action made Oli want to pull him close, comfort him as he had always comforted Oli.

               “Ahhhh, well I’ve flown lots now. It’s alright love. You can hold my hand the whole time. S’not scary.”

               “What about the weather? Don’t planes crash in bad weather?”

               “It’s the safest form of transportation, love.”

               “I don’t know. Vic sent me this documentary on this flight in Dallas that tried to fly through a thunderstorm, and crashed, and then there was this other one in Buffalo where the pilots got tired and it was snowy and then there was this oneinTenerifewhere-“

               “Kells. Kellin. Breathe with me. You’re not breathing. C’mon. In…out…in…”

               “What’s wrong with your boyfriend?” Tom asked across Kellin, giving Oli a confused look.

               “He’s never flown,” Oli said quickly, calming Kellin to the point that they could sit back and listen to the stewardess. Kellin’s grip on his hand only tightened as they pushed back from the gate, and by the time they made it to the runway, Oli had lost the feeling in his hand. “Just close your eyes and try to relax. I always kind of like take-off. You get to see the ground-“

               “-don’t…don’t finish that sentence please,” Kellin commanded softly and closed his eyes, leaning his head back into the seat.

               Trying to ignore the feeling of his left hand breaking, Oli watched as the airport sped past, engines roaring until they smoothly left the ground. Despite the clouds it was a smooth ride, although rather short given how close Detroit and Chicago were. Kellin opened his eyes a few times, but shut them again soon afterward, trying to keep his breathing under control. He was rather pale by the time they reached O’Hare.

               Once they were off the plane, it was Oli’s turn to grip Kellin’s hand as throngs of people busied by them. Ms. Sykes led the way to the international flights, turning several times to make sure they were keeping up. Once they were to their gate they broke into pairs to grab a bite for dinner to carry with them onto the plane.

               “I’m not hungry,” Kellin stated, watching the huge plane be flagged into their gate. It was still pouring out.

               “How is it, with all my issues, you’re the one with a phobia of flying?” Oli pondered, standing at Kellin’s shoulder and watching their small bags while his mother and brother had gone to get dinner.

               “I don’t have a phobia. It’s just scary being in an aluminum tube 10,000 feet in the air.”

               Oli watched him for a moment, trying to wrap his head around the idea of Kellin being scared about anything. Had he ever seen him scared? Yes. Once. After Oli had nearly been killed by his father, upon waking, he found Kellin was terrified to leave him out of his sight, lest he get killed while he wasn’t looking. That was understandable, and he had reassured Kellin that though they could die at any time, Oli would do his best to stay around for Kellin. That promise had dissolved when he’d thought Kellin didn’t want him anymore, but they had moved on since that. Or at least tried to. It was hard with Oli’s fear of giving himself fully to Kellin. He was sure Kellin was way more experienced than him, and Oli really did not want to disappoint that boy any more than he had. It was going to make their sharing a hotel room a bit awkward, but Oli hoped Kellin wouldn’t push it.

               This though, being afraid of a common transportation method, left Oli feeling like he was lost in the woods without a compass to navigate Kellin. Despite the difficulty, he was determined to try anyway. Sometimes Kellin didn’t always make sense, and Oli would have to do whatever it took to make him see that it wasn’t as scary as he thought.

               “You know I’d never let anything happen to you right?”

               “You can’t control the plane,” Kellin frowned at him.

               “I know. I just…I wish there was a way for me to make you relax, and let you know that it will be alright.”

               “I know I’m being stupid…”

               “No, you’re allowed to be afraid of things Kells. But do me a favor, and this time try and live in the moment. That’s what I do when I’m scared of things. I just focus on something small, like my heart beating, or your hand, and I just try to be present. I don’t think about the past or the future. I’m just there, existing.”

               Kellin nodded, still apprehensive. His blue eyes met Oli’s and he gave a grateful look. “How’d you get so wise?”

               “I’ve been scared of a lot of things.”

               “Hey that’s one of the new 777’s!” a familiar voice exclaimed, and Tom was suddenly there, looking excitedly out of the large windows.

               “You’re such a nerd,” Oli groaned, but felt his heart lighten when he saw a small smile creep onto his boyfriend’s face.

               Despite Kellin’s protests that he wasn’t hungry, Oli got them each falafel anyway. When they came back, they boarded shortly after. This time Kellin seemed marginally more relaxed, and Oli supposed that being in a larger airplane definitely helped. Once again, Oli took the window, Kellin sat in the middle, Tom was at the aisle and their mother sat across that aisle, already nose deep into a murder mystery and oblivious to Kellin’s terror.

               Oli stretched his long legs to get ready for the lengthy flight, and as the stewards did the song and dance for their section, he could feel Kellin’s hand closing incrementally tighter around his own. By the time they took off, it was a death grip, Kellin closing his eyes tight. Ignoring the pain in his hand, Oli watched out the window, and after a few minutes, nudged Kellin.

               “Kellin. Kells. Open your eyes love. Look at this,” Oli encouraged, but Kellin minutely shook his head. “Trust me love. You’ve never seen anything like it.”

               At that the ebony-haired boy winched an eye open, which quickly became a look of awe. Outside the little window they had passed above the clouds. The sun was setting and it appeared as though fiery mists wrapped themselves around dollops of orange sherbet.

               “That’s amazing…” Kellin said, still leaning over Oli, star-struck by the beauty.

               “Sometimes scary things are worth it,” Oli answered softly. This earned him a soft smile from Kellin.

               “I didn’t know it was so pretty up here.”

               “You just gotta give these things a chance sometimes. Take a risk. See the benefits.”

               Blue eyes flicked to hazel, taking in the double meaning. Oli had taken a risk, being in a relationship with Kellin, allowing the other boy to help heal him into something resembling a functional human being most of the time.

               “I guess so,” Kellin smirked, settling back into his seat, looking much calmer now. “Do you have my falafel?”

               The rest of the flight across the Atlantic was smooth. As the skies grey dark, Oli read for awhile, Kellin reading over his shoulder and sharing Oli’s headphones, since Kellin had apparently left his in the duffle bag he had checked. It was a double feature book of both Brave New World and Starship Troopers, and Kellin insisted that they start with Starship Troopers. Slowly the personal lights went out around them, and eventually Oli yawned and offered the book to Kellin to keep reading, but he just dog-eared the page and plucked the earphone out.

               “We should sleep, shouldn’t we?”

               “I always try to,” Oli answered slipping the hood from his hoodie up and trying to tuck his legs in a more comfortable position. It really sucked having long legs in an airplane. Without a word, Kellin got comfortable as well, and before Oli could move further, rested his head on the other’s shoulder with a sigh. Leaning his cheek against the other’s soft raven hair, he could smell the shampoo used that morning, and a warm sense of love filled his chest. Kellin snuggled further against him, threading Oli’s abused fingers in his own. With a sigh, he closed his eyes.

 

              

               Flying might not be as scary as Kellin thought in real life, but it turned out that jet lag was for real. He had slept through the landing only to be woken by a rough shake at his shoulder by Tom. Still yawning as they went through customs, Kellin felt the excitement return as they hailed a taxi. The driver chatted with Ms. Sykes as she sat up front, which left the three boys in the back of the tiny vehicle. London, a great sprawling mess, bloomed out is window, and Kellin was tempted to press his face against the glass to watch it fly by, but refrained as he would have smashed his face as the vehicle whipped expertly around. Horns honked and people dodged, leaving Kellin with he distinct impression that the only pedestrians in the city were those that were quick or dead. He was likewise tempted to text Vic and tell him that he had finally found a driver who scared him more than his friend.

               The other occupants seemed perfectly fine with it, and didn’t even stumble out of the cramped seating when they arrived at the hotel. Their rooms weren’t ready, as it was only late morning, so their bags were stored and Ms. Sykes turned to them expectantly, “Well, I don’t have to check in with my office till later, so what would you boys like to do for now?”

               Kellin had never had the best sense of direction, and the winding roads had definitely left him lost, and he looked to Oli and Tom, who stared back at him expectantly. “Um, I have no idea where we are so…”

               “Well we’re right by the Tower. We could show you that and then when mum needs to go see the office, we can take you up to brick street,” Oli suggested.

               “Touristy stuff,” Tom scoffed.

               Oli rolled his eyes though. “Oh please. You’ve only been to London a handful of times, and I know you’ve never been to see the crown Jewels.”

               “Lads…” his mother warned. “It’s a good idea to show Kellin. He might find them interesting.”

               “Is that where the queen lives?” Kellin asked Oli quietly as they went on their way.

               This made Oli chuckle, taking Kellin’s hand in his own. “Did you perhaps read anything about the U.K. before you came?”        

               Kellin thought hard as they headed down the street. “Um, well you showed me what hobnobs are. And people drive on the left side of the road. And Vic told me I need to put my pinky out when I get tea- hey can we get tea? Like the fancy stuff? Why are you laughing?!”

               “Because only you would go to a foreign country and think, ‘I don’t know a thing about them, but I’m just gonna wing it!’!” Oli wiped at the tears accumulating at the corners of his eyes, his repaired voice breaking a little at the end.

               “I’m not winging it!” Kellin exclaimed indignantly. “I have you, and your mom, and Tom!”

               “Leave me out of it,” Tom groused. “If you get lost that’s on you.”

               “Fine, I have you and your mom, right?” Kellin rephrased, looking back at Oli. Was it just him, or was Tom being grumpy?

               “Yes, of course,” Oli soothed. “I haven’t spent a lot of time in London though. Bit too crowded for me, innit?”

               And at that Oli was right. Kellin had never seen so many people in his life, even in downtown Detroit. The river (which Oli supplied was the Thames) smelled worse than the lakes in the summer heat, but once inside the Tower of London, it held no sway. Instead Kellin enjoyed the spooky interior, seeing the prison cells, even getting elbowed in the ribs when he grabbed the taut flesh above Oli’s hips from behind to scare him. The crown jewels were beautiful, but the real highlight in Kellin’s book was the ravens. They popped around so pleasantly, their oily feathers shimmering in the midday sun. They were amazing birds, and Kellin enjoyed listening to them talk, but his favorite part of them was how Oli looked at them.

               While the rest of their small accumulated tour group gathered around as the man in the funny clothing talked about the ravens, Oli sat on his haunches, peering at them, and Kellin had never seen his eyes so curious and clear, save when he drew his designs or looked at Kellin sometimes. It was his favorite look on the boy’s face, making him seem young and innocent, despite the tattoos clawing up his neck. The very sun seemed to shine through him with that expression, and if it were possible, Kellin felt himself falling in love just a bit more.

               “I didn’t know you loved animals that much,” Kellin commented as they perused the gift shop at the end.

               “Yeah…” Oli said. “Why did you think I became a vegetarian?”

               “I never really thought of it, I guess,” Kellin shrugged.

               “He was so sweet as a child,” Ms. Sykes said with a certain fondness. “He loved trying to pick up all the sand crabs and throw them back in the ocean when we went down to the shore on holiday.”

               “Yeah but then he also tried to bring home every animal he found. One time he even found this mangy old dog, and tried to hide him! I nearly died of an asthma attack,” Tom added.

               “Which is why I was never allowed any,” Oli sighed, fingering the little raven ornament.

               “Both Tom and I are allergic to anything with fur,” Ms. Sykes informed, wandering out of the little shop. Oli frowned at the bird and let his fingers drop before following suit.

               A few moment later, Kellin walked out of the shop in time to hear Tom grouse, “Where is your errant boyfriend?”

               “Errant boyfriend is here,” Kellin said in a sickly sweet voice, giving Tom a challenging look. Really, why was the other boy being a dick? He’d always gotten along with Tom, but ever since Oli had rescued Kellin from that ship, Tom had avoided him, and any words they had exchanged were short. Kellin couldn’t help but feel that the younger boy blamed him for Oli’s lost voice, but Kellin beat himself up enough about that. Did he really have to rub it in?

               Tom just rolled his eyes though and followed their mother as she listened in to another tour group leader talking about the architecture.

               “Where were you?” Oli inquired.

               “Hold out your hands and close your eyes. C’mon,” Kellin encouraged, waiting excitedly with his hands tucked behind his back.

               Dutifully, Oli closed his eyes and cupped his hands to receive whatever Kellin was hiding. Blue eyes watched excitedly as Oli’s opened to see the little raven ornament placed into his palms. A grin erupted on his face, amber eyes sparkling as he sputtered, “You didn’t have to do that!”

               “I know. It’s just…your face when you were looking at them was kind of perfect. And I can dote on my boyfriend once in awhile, especially when he got me over my fear of flying.”

               Oli muttered bashful things and turned away to follow his family, but Kellin’s heart swooned as he clutched the little raven to his chest.

               After stopping by Tower Bridge, they headed back to the hotel to find their rooms. Sunlight poured in through the giant windows, the beauteous bridge large as life from the hotel.

               “Woah…” Kellin muttered, pressing against the glass and looking out. The Thames flowed slowly, gorgeous buildings standing sentry on either side. “This is the biggest place I’ve ever been. It just goes on forever.”

               When he heard no response, he turned to see Oli reclined on the bed, arm flung carelessly across his forehead. The hazel eyes watched him with soft adoration, not so much looking at him as though him, right down to his soul. Kellin had had many boyfriends undress them with their eyes, but this was the first time he felt truly naked under any gaze.

               A knock on the door made Kellin jump, and as they shared a puzzled look, Oli sitting up, Kellin stalked over and opened it. Tom had just enough features to pass for being Oli’s brother, but was different enough that if one didn’t know, they typically didn’t question it. The way their brows arched and the long eyelashes with that specific eye shape were much the same, but where Oli’s features and body were sharp and angular, Tom’s were balanced and rounded, and while Oli’s eyes were hazel, Tom’s were bright, clear blue. Sometimes when they stood right by each other, it was painfully obvious which brother had lived in a hellhole for several years, at least to Kellin. Tom looked like a well-cared for boy. Oli would always be a little too tall, a little too thin, and a little too colorful for anyone to look at him and come away with the same conclusion.

               “’Sup?” Kellin asked, trying to move past Tom’s poor attitude from earlier. It didn’t seem to be working, based on the look of the other boy’s face when he answered the door.

               “Mom said you and Oli can go get dinner and bring back take-away for us. I’m gonna stay here and sleep. She said to keep your phone on you in case you get lost,” he said, the enthusiasm in his voice reminding Kellin of the sound of someone reading the tax code aloud. With not so much as a goodbye he turned away and headed up the hall.

               Hearing the sound of soft steps behind him, Kellin looked back to see Oli up. “Hungry?”

 

               “Do you know where you’re going?” Kellin asked for the sixth time. Oli paused and gave him a look. Honestly did the boy have no faith?

               “Yes, I basically know where we’re going. When my mom used to come to London for work, I sometimes came with her, and we would go to this little restaurant. You’ll love it. Now stop asking me ya knob.” Oli wasn’t sure if Kellin had ever eaten Bangladeshi food, but what was coming to a new city without trying something new?

               “Well it’s just you keep looking up and down the cross streets like you’re…lost,” Kellin said, pausing to dodge an older couple walking in front of him, his shorter legs working to keep up with Oli’s quick strides.

               “I know what I’m looking for,” Oli stated again. It had changed quite a bit since he was last here. “Aha!” Oli exclaimed, finally finding the street he wanted: Brick Lane.

               Taking Kellin’s warm hand in his, he guided them up the street. Oli could feel himself fit in with the young, colorful inhabitants walking it, trundling in an out of the many vibrant shops and eateries. The rich graffiti paintings along with the bohemian vibe of the lane had Kellin grinning as he looked around, creating a warmth in Oli’s heart as well.

               “Detroit doesn’t have anything quite like this,” Kellin sighed dreamily. Oli slowed, letting the other boy take it in, despite how hungry he was. Even then he felt his arm tug as Kellin came to a dead stop, looking at the window of one of the shops. “Can we go in here?” he asked with such incredible longing that Oli was sure he might melt if refused.

               Flicking his eyes to the sign, he smirked. “Sure, love.”

               Oli lived for Kellin’s eyes, full of wonder and joy as he looked around. There were a few other people at the counter, putting in orders, but Oli let Kellin lead him about, looking at the goods. Shining pearls stacked in pyramids, little brightly colored squares of every flavor, gift boxes wrapped up in sumptuous black ribbon, all giving chocolate a new and sexy makeover. These were not simply chocolatiers. They were chocolate _artisans._

               “Get what you like,” Oli offered, seeing Kellin frown at some of the prices. The dark brow furrowed for a moment, studying him. “I have plenty. Just get what you want,” he repeated.

               “I love you,” Kellin bounced, and Oli felt himself dragged to the counter. In an instant Kellin was pointing at each one he wanted to try. Cherry Kirsch. Strawberry Rosewater. Cinnamon Cider. Cardamom and Orange Truffle. Chocolate Mango Slices. Chocolate pearls of every kind. He even pointed out some of the assorted vegan chocolates to share with his boyfriend.

               “Happy now?” Oli bemused, Kellin all but skipping next to him with the en mode bag of chocolate.

               _Honestly I could sing you a song, but I don’t think words can express your beauty…_ Kellin sang to him, making Oli sigh with pleasure. Oli must have had a strange look on his face, as Kellin then tilted his head and asked, “What?”

               But Oli didn’t reply, instead tugging Kellin in to a restaurant. It was just starting to get busy inside, people sitting at the unpretentious tables, the air smelling so thickly of spices that Oli’s mouth already began to water. They were shown up to the third floor, and once settled and alone, Kellin blurted, “What is that smell?”

               “Spices, love. This is a curry house.”

               “Curry?”

               “You’ve never had curry?”

               “Baby my mom makes hamburger helper three nights a week. You really think she’s making something out of Nights of Arabia or something?”

               “That’s not…nevermind. You’ll like it. Just give it a try.”

               This earned him a skeptical look. “I don’t understand half the words on these pages…”

               Leaning over on his elbows, Oli walked him through the menu, explaining what each dish tasted like, and which ones were spicy, and which weren’t. He ordered chutney and papadoms for them to eat, before convincing Kellin to give a traditional curry a try, while Oli got his favorite shabji bhajee, a mix of greenchiles, potatoes, vegetables and coriander. His boyfriend’s eyes lit up when he ordered them each a beer as well.

               “You mean to tell me the drinking age is 18 here!?” Kellin asserted.

               “I can’t do too much with all my medication, but you could have fun.”

               “I will when I’m not so jet lagged,” Kellin answered.

               Watching someone discover something new that one loved was a pleasure unlike any other. There was a keen joy to which one’s heart was awakened as one watched the other come to adore the things that were so cherished. Such was Oli’s experience watching Kellin eat curry for the first time. At first the other boy had been skeptical, the food looking so different than the usually American plate. But it was love at first bite. His mother would make Indian food for him sometimes, but it just wasn’t as good as much of the take-away one could find around the U.K. He had missed this.

               Afterwards, full and satisfied, both boys walked in companionable silence back to the hotel. Dusk was descending and the streets were coming alive with neon lights. After running up the Indian he had ordered for his mother and brother, he came back to find Kellin digging through his duffle bag.

               “Do you have any extra shampoo?” Kellin groaned, coming up empty handed from his own bag.

               “I knew you’d forget something,” Oli chuckled, pulling out a small extra travel bottle of Kellin’s shampoo. This earned him a peck on the lips.

               “You’re so good.”

               “Someone’s got to look after you.”

               This seemed to jog Kellin’s mind, and returning to his duffle bag he pulled out Oli’s medications, handing him the bunch of trays. Picking the right tray, he poured out the little pills and downed them, grimacing. One of them always tasted nasty. Kellin offered him a chocolate covered mango slice which he accepted, and offered the tray back, to which Kellin simply raised an eyebrow.

               “Are you really going to try anything while we’re here?”

               The question caught him off guard. “I guess not…”

               “Then you hold onto them. I’ll just make sure you take them. You’re eighteen. You can handle it mostly.”

               “I knew I loved you for a reason,” Oli stated, slipping the little boxes into his own suitcase.

               “I thought you loved me for my boyish good looks? Or my absolutely charming personality? Or better yet- _my irresistible voice. Ooooohhhhhhhhh-_ was that good?” Kellin flirted and sang.

               “All of the above. Except for…”

               “Except for what?!”

               “…your giant ego. Honestly it’s a miracle they fit that on the plane,” Oli dead panned, leading Kellin to shove him back onto the bed as the brunette roared with laughter.

               Straddling him slightly, Kellin calmed the laughter with his talented tongue, leaving Oli nearly writhing. “I feel like this is a definite factor as well,” he smirked as he sat up. “The singing, though, is your favorite.”

               “All of you is my favorite,” Oli blurted, head still swimming a bit from the feel of Kellin’s tongue wrapped around his own.

               “You’re so wet,” Kellin said in their own private joke, now that it was his turn to blush. “I just figured it was the singing though. The way you looked at me earlier when I sang on Brick Lane…”

               Oli recalled it. “That’s because I hadn’t heard you sing since I was waking up in the hospital. I missed it. A lot.”

               A serious look came over the other boy’s face, and Oli regretted bringing it up.

               “That’s because I was afraid I would never hear your voice again. And even now, we don’t know when, or even if, your voice will ever be healed enough to sing,” he admitted quietly. “Sometimes I would go to sing, and I would remember that, and I didn’t feel like singing anymore.”

               Oli let his fingers trace the still new tattoo down Kellin’s arm. “Please stop gutting yourself over this. How many times do I need to remind you that I forgive you?”

               “Probably everyday for the rest of my life,” Kellin answered honestly, with a tired sigh.

               “Fine. Then everyday we wake up together, for the rest of our lives, I will tell you how much I love you, and how much you make me happy, and you will be reminded that you have my full and free forgiveness.”

               Kellin scoffed softly, but gave Oli an affectionate glance. “You really are wet,” he whispered, and leaning down, kissed Oli’s forehead sweetly. “I’m going to go shower,” he added, getting off his boyfriend and sauntering to the bathroom.

               Letting out a deep breath, Oli sat fully up, and went about changing to his night boxers and long-sleeve shirt. He turned the lights out, and let the TV play quietly in the background as he crawled into one of the two queen sized bed. The lights of the Tower Bridge and the buildings along the Thames glittered and glowed through the sheer curtain over the window. Oli watched them, curled up on his side and feeling an ache deep in his chest. Had Kellin not forgiven himself yet? What more could Oli do to convince him to stop beating himself up over the whole thing? It was a terrible shit-show of circumstances, but they had learned so much, and surely Kellin would never try something like that again. What more could he do?

               Oli’s eyes slipped shut as the thoughts rattled around, so pestering and bothersome that he almost missed the warm body slipping in beside him, arms wrapping around his torso, spooning him in love and comfort as he drifted off.

 

 

               Kellin cringed. “What are you putting on your toast?”

               “Beans…” Oli said slowly, looking up from a bite full.

               “That’s horrifying,” Kellin shuddered.

               “Leave him alone. He can eat what he wants,” Tom sniffed, sitting on Oli’s other side and eating his cereal.

               “Never said he couldn’t. It’s just weird is all,” Kellin huffed, taking another bite of his scrambled eggs.

               “You’re the weird one-“

               “Stop,” Oli growled quietly. “I don’t know why you two are at each other lately, but knock it off.”

               The small table in the breakfast lounge fell quiet, neither boy wanting to further upset the elder Sykes brother.

               “Alright I have our tickets for Buckingham Palace,” Ms. Sykes bustled over. “Tom, I have our tickets for the London Eye as well. Are you sure you two don’t want to come on it with us?”

               “Naw, Kellin is insisting on trying high tea,” Oli answered.

               “You mean you’re going to sit in one of those tea shops with the fancy china and little sandwiches? You two? Dressed like that?” Tom asked incredulously.

               “Are we supposed to dress up for it?” Kellin was confused.

               At this Tom just started laughing. “The whole thing is for girls!”

               Just as Kellin was feeling bad for his ignorance, Oli came to his defense, and kicking his brother under the table warned, “Shut your gob! If Kellin wants to try it, he damn well can.”

               “Boys! Stop fighting,” Ms. Sykes lectured. As they paused, she looked kindly at Kellin. “High tea is a wonderful experience. Don’t let Tom tell you otherwise. Lots of different people like to try it while they’re here. Not just girls,” she shot a glance at the younger Sykes, who was trying hard not to laugh at him in front of his mother. “Now, who’s ready to go?”

               Kellin had been expecting another wild taxi ride, but was surprised when Ms. Sykes led them further down the street. He quickly found his hand being crushed by Oli’s as they came to a little red and white circle sign above a staircase that descended into the earth.

               “Where are we going?” Kellin asked him, taking in his apprehensive face.

               “The Tube. It’s the subway system around London,” his boyfriend responded quietly.

               “You ok, baby?”

               “Yeah…it just is crowded sometimes.”

               “Well I’m right here,” he squeezed back.

               A distinctly female voice reminded him to mind the gap as they boarded, and though there were plenty of seats, Oli refused to sit down, so Kellin stood with him as if it were a perfectly natural thing to do. After a few stops, Ms. Sykes led them out, and once back above ground Kellin figured he could have measured the dissipation of the tension in Oli’s shoulders in inches.

               Like every summer, Buckingham Palace was open to the public. Kellin had seen some of the mansions of Detroit, but none of them compared to the splendor or architecture of the grand building before him.

               “Oh my God! It’s the guards with the fuzzy hats! Oli get my picture!”

               A strong arm held him though, “Kellin! You can’t touch them! They will run you through with their bayonets.”

               “What is with you people and your pomp and circumstance?” Kellin slowed, extricated himself from the grip and stood near the guard, but was careful not to get too close.

               “Alright there’s good. Now smile.”

               Kellin beamed but then gave the silliest look he possibly could which made Oli laugh.

               “Hurry up you two!” Ms. Sykes shouted. “The tour’s starting!”

               The inside was just as beautiful as the outside, and Kellin frequently found himself wandering from the group, and Oli tugging him back in. If he touched anything he wasn’t supposed to, well, they should have had some of those fuzzy hat guards inside.

               “Your boyfriend is like a child,” Tom accused while Ms. Sykes stepped into the lady’s room after the tour.

               “Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Kellin, but it needs to stop, alright? I don’t want you two fighting the whole trip. I’m going to go to the loo, and when I come out I don’t want to hear it,” Oli sighed, stalking away to the other bathroom.

               “Ok, what did I do to you?” Kellin asked, upset that Oli was in turn upset as well.

               “You didn’t do anything to me. It’s what you did to him.”

               “What?” Kellin mouthed, trying to follow Tom’s train of thought.

               “You almost made my brother kill himself. Your selfishness got his vocal chords crushed and landed him in the hospital.”

               Oh. So that’s what this was about. Oli may have forgiven him, but Tom certainly hadn’t. “Look Tom, I’m-“

               “-if sorry is the next word out of your mouth then save it. I don’t want to hear it,” he huffed, and walked away, leaving Kellin feeling heavy with guilt.

               “Did you have fun?” Ms. Sykes asked as she exited the bathroom, and Kellin tried to put on a smile for her. She really had been very generous with him lately, for which he was very grateful.

               “Yeah that was great! I’ve never been to a palace or anything like this before. Thank-you for everything. I don’t know if Oli told you, but Canada is the only foreign country I’ve ever been to, so this is really amazing for me.”

               She waved away his complements. “Well as soon as I said I had business here and suggested I bring the boys, Oli insisted on bringing you, and with all the crowds and then me having to work sometimes, I know he’ll have a better time if you’re here. I’m just glad your mother let you come. She was so upset when you were in the hospital the other month. I think this little vacation is a good way of putting all that behind us, don’t you think?”

               “Yeah, definitely,” Kellin lied, feeling anything but that were true.

               Oli emerged shortly after and looked at him expectantly, to which Kellin averted his eyes.

               “You both have fun and be careful and we’ll meet you for dinner at Poppie’s. I’ll have my phone on me,” Ms. Sykes bid them goodbye, catching up to Tom who was waiting for her by the grand gates.

               Once they were out of earshot, he stated, “I suppose you haven’t managed to make peace with my brother, based on the look he gave you just now.” Kellin let out a deep breath. Oli continued. “What is going on between you two? You’ve always been alright with each other before.”

               Kellin worried his bottom lip, hands diving for the pockets of his grey skinny jeans. “Have you talked to your brother since…y’know…”

               “Since we were in the hospital?”

               “Yeah.”

               “Errr…yes. He was rather upset by my note, and I made him promise not to show mum. We talked about why I was feeling that way and such, and I thought it ended up alright…was I wrong?”

               “No, not wrong, just…I don’t think he’s quite over it yet.”

               “So he’s taking it out on you?”

               “Well I did put you in the hospital, to be fair.”

               “No, those guys who tried to sell you to a sex bidder put me in the hospital. You were a victim at that point.”

               “And all of that never would have happened, had I listened to you,” Kellin retorted without heat.

               “That’s true, but we know better now. Kellin I don’t expect you to be perfect all the time. We’re going to make mistakes, and as long as we learn from them, we’ll be fine. Really, Kells, my warnings and advice aren’t spot on every time. I mean, I ignored my own advice to stay the hell away from you and not let you close that first time we met, and I for one am exceedingly glad I ignored it.”

               “You wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital…”

               “You’re right. I also would have never experienced playing paintball with friends, watching movies with them, sitting through a thunderstorm with a boyfriend, kissing a very talented lover, hearing them sing, taking a vacation with that same lover…but you’re right. I wouldn’t have been in a hospital. I would have been in a morgue.” Gently taking the other boy’s hand as they walked down the steps to the Underground, Oli added in a quieter tone. “Your single mistake does not outweigh all the good you’ve done in my life.”

               Kellin was unsure of why he had tears in his eyes at that statement, but he had to blink rapidly to clear them before the people around him noticed. The words digested as they rode the little train in silence, getting off at Oxford Circus.

               “Why do they call it a circus if there’s no circus?” He asked innocently as they came back out to the cloudy daylight.

               “Just another word for annoying traffic circle,” Oli explained, not letting go of his hand, checking his phone to make sure they were going in the right direction. It appeared that it wasn’t just the taxi drivers who drove like a blind woman on meth. All the cars seemed to zoom by at incredible speeds, furiously getting to wherever they needed to be.

               “So a lot of the high tea places want you to dress up, and that just isn’t really us, so I found this one, and I hope you’ll like it. It’s a little different though,” Oli explained, and Kellin could hear the nerves in his voice.

               “As long as there’s tea and sandwiches, I’m good!”

               If Kellin was expecting women in fancy dresses, butlers and the queen to show up, he would have been disappointed. Instead he was pleased all the way down to his toes. Oli had made the reservations for them, and they were seated at a little table for two with a marble top. The room was a large, airy atrium which let in tons of natural light onto the green, ornate plants in the center. A waiter set out a box of tea and a rather old book, along with a tiered tray of petit-fours. Unsure of what to do, he looked to Oli in askance.

               With a knowing smile, Oli opened the encyclopedia to show Kellin the menu. Rabbits, hatters, queen of hearts…

               “Hey this is Alice in Wonderland!” Kellin remarked, and saw Oli’s grin grow.

               “Well, I hope you don’t mind, but I didn’t think white gloves and curtseys were really our style, but I still wanted you to taste everything, and experience it. I figured this might be a bit more fun.”

               “You’re amazing…” Kellin sighed happily, and then perked up, inspecting the tea pot with the little black crown and the plates with the pocket watches on them. “Alice in Wonderland was one of my favorites when I was a kid. Mom must have read it to me half a dozen times.”

               “Really?”

               “Really. Though mom always had to explain what a hookah was to me. I loved the Cheshire cat and the caterpillar. Alright so is there a right or wrong way to pour the tea…?”

               True to his word, Kellin loved every minute. He let Oli eat the vegetarian sandwich while he found he loved the ham and parmesan one. Oli helped set up the tea so that it wouldn’t be too strong or bitter for Kellin since the latter had never really drank it before unless made by the Arizona company. Oli liked his with just milk, while Kellin poured both sugar and milk into his. Conversation flowed around them and between them as he took it all in. He could see why English monarchs had done this now. If he were king for a day, it would certainly be on his to do list as well.

               Afterward they walked back, Oli pointing out places like St. Paul’s Cathedral and the Guildhall, the architecture reminding Kellin of Buckingham Palace. It was also a reminder of how young the United States were, and how old England was. Everything here was so aged and cemented in history.

               The sun was beginning to sink low when they finally came to Poppies, and Kellin was delighted to find that it was fish and chips joint.

               “Oli told me you really wanted to try fish and chips, and Poppies is the best,” Ms. Sykes said. Kellin quickly came to agree with that sentiment. Oli stuck to just chips and chutney, but Kellin reveled in the fresh cod, fried crisp and light. Even Tom’s glares couldn’t ruin his mood.

               That evening Kellin had to wash at the blisters on his feet while he showered, put there from so much walking. He wasn’t used to it, and it left him sore and tired. How Oli seemed unaffected was beyond him. When he came out, fresh and clean he found his boyfriend in his usual sleeping hoodie, watching something on the TV, those sleepy amber eyes reflecting the glow.

               “Catching up on all your British shows?” Kellin asked, taking note of the pill boxes on the nightstand, that evening’s doses already taken.

               “Nah. I never watched TV much as a kid. Just nice to hear people with a proper accent, manners, just being British y’know? America isn’t bad. I don’t mind being there. It’s just…”

               “I get it,” Kellin said, sitting on the bed beside him. “This will always kind of be home for you.”

                “This will always be familiar for me, not necessarily my home anymore.”

               The intimate words sent a tingling sensation down Kellin’s spine, and leaning into the other boy he began to kiss him. He loved those sweet lips, the sharp curve of those cheeks, and the touchable skin that lie underneath the hoodie. With one hand wandering up, and the other slipping down to the sleeping boxers, he soon had Oli in such a state that his breathing seemed erratic. Sensing the moment, Kellin stripped out of his own clothes, and began to divest his boyfriend of his. With their positions like they were, Kellin just went with it, trailing his tongue down the other’s chest, earning a whine from the other’s throat. ‘Finally…finally…’ Kellin’s mind repeated, and moving back up he reached for the lube and condom he had stashed in the nightstand since he and Oli finally had plenty of privacy. But that’s when it went horribly wrong.

               Using one hand he pinned Oli’s hip. As Kellin went to prepare his boyfriend, Oli’s mind finally caught up and he stopped everything he was doing momentarily, only to resume with shaking hands. Kellin paused as well, trying to read his partner’s movements in the lamp light, but then continued. This lasted a very short time as he realized Oli had suddenly become far less excited, and was that…yes, it was a sniffle.

               At that point Kellin stopped completely and did his very best not to give a frustrated sigh. He had been SO CLOSE! But that frustration dissipated the instant he looked up to see Oli’s terrified eyes staring back, tears beginning to leak out at the corners. How had this happened? One moment they had been on the edge of a knife, ready to explode, and the next Kellin had scared him enough to make him cry.

               “S-sorry. I didn’t want…I mean…I just…I’m such a fookin’ cunt…I ruined it again…” He was shaking hard and looked ready to catapult himself from the window in embarrassment.

               “Hey, no bad self-talk,” Kellin countered, taking his hands to help still them. “Did I move too fast and scare you?”

               Oli looked down, his brown locks obscuring his eyes. “A little, I guess, I just…I got scared it might hurt, and I would feel everything and not make it good, and then all these thoughts went through my head, and I just couldn’t…my stupid anxiety…”

               “Hey, take a breath. Calm down. We’re not going to do anything until you’re ready.”

               “But I keep letting you down. You shouldn’t have to wait forever.”

               “You’re not letting me down. You’re just teaching me to be patient, which, let’s face it, I could definitely use some more lessons in. Now stay here while I clean up and take care of this. I’ll be right back, alright? I’m not mad,” he reiterated.

               Oli nodded miserably, and Kellin retreated to the bathroom to hop in the shower once more to take care of himself, which he did quickly, and then threw his sleeping clothes back on, before gingerly padding back out. His boyfriend was back in his sleepwear and his eyes were dry, but he still looked wrecked over making his boyfriend stop again. Thankfully Kellin had thought of a solution.

               “Hey, can you and your magic fingers help me with something?”

               Looking at him skeptically, Kellin could almost read the ‘Anything to make up for this’ coming out of them. In response, Kellin held out a small bottle of lotion from the hotel sink.

               “My feet and legs are really sore from all the walking we did today. I’m not used to it. Can you work them out so they’re not a clump of cramps tomorrow morning?”

               “You want me to rub your feet?”

               “That doesn’t gross you out does it?”

               “Not in the least. And I know you just showered so…c’mon,” he answered, his voice sounding a bit squeeky with exhaustion.

               Relieved, the American flopped onto the covers, laying opposite of the ex-brit. Grabbing a foot and the lotion, Kellin had to keep from not laughing at first, as the bottom of his feet were ticklish. But then Oli’s nimble, strong fingers really went to work, and Kellin found himself sighing in pleasure, eyes fluttering close in bliss. The sound of British accents on the TV faded out of his consciousness, and all he was aware of was the ambrosial feeling of Oli’s fingers rendering his flesh soft and compliant.

               “Are you purring?” Oli gave a lukewarm chuckle as he finished the second leg after some time.

               “I might be. That was one of the best things I’ve ever felt in my life, I swear,” Kellin muttered, so blissful he could have fallen asleep right there. It was a monumental effort to sit up and then crawl under the covers with Oli.

               “Glad I did something right this evening then,” the brunette said, wrapping his arms around Kellin’s torso and resting his head on his shoulder.

               “We’ll get there when we get there,” he tried to cheer the other boy, kissing his forehead and raking his fingers though the cocoa curls as he settled down.

               Oli gave a satisfied sigh and snuggled against Kellin, and they both closed their eyes.

 

 

               After sleeping in a drug den for years, one got used to waking up at the drop of a pin. But even then it took a few moments to register everything. Soft whimpers broke the low, British accents, and Oli remembered he was in a hotel in London. The sky was still dark, and the he must have fallen asleep with the TV on. He was on his side, facing the window, but he distinctly recalled falling asleep in Kellin’s warm arms. There it was again: a soft sob, this time accompanied by a heartbroken, ‘Don’t go’.

               Turning over he found Kellin facing away from him, curled in a ball, his breathing unstable and stuck in a nightmare. Immediately Oli propped himself up and shook at Kellin’s shoulder. Waking him was like waking the dead, but in the light from the telly he saw those gorgeous baby blues open, and then swell full of tears. Oli could almost feel his heart stop at the sight.

               “You were having a nightmare love-“ he began soothingly, but Kellin was suddenly on him with surprising strength.

               “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” he repeated brokenly, burying his face against the soft black material of Oli’s hoodie. “I didn’t mean it…don’t go…”

               “Kells…Kellin, easy love. I’m not going anywhere. You had a bad dream. It’s just a dream,” Oli allayed.

               “But it felt real,” Kellin answered, swallowing hard to try and get himself under control. “They always feel real…”

               Realization dawned on the taller boy as he ran his fingers through Kellin’s sweat-soaked locks. “Always? Kellin, how often have you been having nightmares?”

               “Ummmmm…”

               “Kells…” Oli pressed, sitting them up a bit and rubbing Kellin’s back through his thin t-shirt.

               “They started right after you ended up in the hospital the first time. But they went away after a few weeks. But then when you lost your voice…”

               “…they started again.”

               “Yeah, except they were worse. Instead of you just dying and me not being able to stop it, these ones…sometimes you would just leave me, sometimes your father came back to kill you, sometimes you would kill yourself and I had to watch, and then sometimes…sometimes it was me…” Kellin’s voice cracked to wails again, muffled into Oli’s chest. The tattooed boy wasn’t stupid. It was plain as day what this was about.

               “Oh Kellin,” Oli sighed. After letting him cry and then calm down, Oli brought his hands to Kellin’s wet cheeks and kissed the rest of the tears away. Kellin’s longer hair stuck to his forehead and tear tracks, and Oli tenderly brushed it away as the other finally met his gaze. “I wish there was something I could say or do to alleviate the guilt you’re piling on yourself. I forgive you Kellin, but you need to learn how to forgive yourself.”

               “What if I can’t?” he asked in a bare whisper.

               Thumbs brushing the last of the wet away from his cheeks, Oli replied, “When we first met, I hated myself. A lot. But you came to love me, and you kept loving me when I couldn’t, or wasn’t willing to love myself. I know I’ll never quite be right in the head, and I’ll have doubts, but having you with me makes me want to keep living. Sometimes it makes me feel inadequate since I can’t reciprocate, but in this I can. I know forgiving yourself isn’t going to happen overnight, and I’m sorry if I thought it could. But until you can, I’m going to be here, reminding you every step of the way that I forgive you, for whatever mistake you made, and that you are worth that. You are worth forgiving. You are worth a second chance. Please believe me.”

               A few last silent tears slipped from Kellin’s eyes and he hugged Oli close. They lay like that awhile, curled on one another and simply breathing. After several minutes Kellin shifted and captured Oli’s lips with his own for a moment.

               “I don’t know what I ever did to be as lucky as I am,” the raven haired boy said in a muted tone.

               “I think the universe’s magic lined things up enough for us that we both are,” Oli replied, shifting them to a more comfortable position, laying on his back while Kellin held him close, a rather tall, skinny teddy bear.

               They lay like that for some time, watching, but not really paying attention to the late night British television show. When Oli was sure Kellin had fallen back asleep, he turned it off, bathing the room in dark and quiet. With one last sigh, he closed his eyes, tucked his arm against Kellin’s back, and drifted off as well.

 

 

               “Now I will meet you boys around 2:30 for the tour. Alright? Be careful and make sure you stick together,” Ms. Sykes said as they finished their breakfast the next morning. “I’ll meet you there.”

               “Alright mum,” Oli agreed, along with Tom. Kellin just nodded his head. He had taken some aspirin with breakfast to try and rid himself of the rancid headache that always seemed to plague him after crying. Last night had been a train wreck.

               He hadn’t realized he was being distant until Oli took his hand as they come to the Underground station. “You alright love? You’re never this quiet.”

               “It’s a blessing…” Tom muttered in the back, but Oli shot him a look.

               “Don’t start.”

               “I’m fine, just tired,” he gave a little smile. “I’m sure walking around will wake me up.”

               As it was, the walk was quite long to Crystal Palace Park once they disembarked the tube. Unlike yesterday with all its cloud cover, today was sunny and warm, and Kellin was glad to have worn his shorts. Even Oli had shorts and a t-shirt on, the sun highlighting his multicolored arms.

               The park itself was lush and green, trim and proper like the other gardens Kellin had come across. Oli had wanted to see the dinosaurs while Tom wanted to see the football stadium. But it was just as they were heading up the trail that Kellin said the wrong thing:

               “You guys really love all your stuff all neat. I don’t think there’s even a leaf out of line here. Bunch of type A personalities, y’know?”

               Oli seemed to take it as a joke, but Tom snapped, “Well it’s better than going in half-cocked like Americans, innit?”

               Taken back by the force, and already on edge with the remnants of his headache, Kellin spat back, “We don’t go in half-cocked. We’re the ones always bailing everyone else out of wars!”

               “Well you did when you thought it was such a great idea to meet your dad at his flat!”

               The gauntlet was dropped and the bell for the match rang clearly in Kellin’s mind. “Fuck you! I was trying to cut ties with him in order to-“

               “I swear to God if you say you were trying to do right by my brother I’m going to beat the piss out of you! He nearly fucking killed himself because of you!”

               “And what have you done for him!? Huh?! That’s right, you had six years where you could have made a difference but-“

               “-you sonuva-“

               “STOP IT!” Oliver’s voice roared above them, putting himself between them and shoving them back. He looked furious, and it struck Kellin that he had never seen him so mad. “I am sick and tired of you two being at each other’s throats!” he shouted. “I get that you haven’t forgiven Kellin, Tom, but I have! That whole thing wasn’t entirely his fault. Part of it is just the way I am, and you need to realize that by now. And you!” he rounded on Kellin, “Tom is my brother, and he will always be my brother. I get that you don’t have siblings, but you don’t need to rise to his baiting every single time! I’m done with it!”

               Kellin wisely stayed silent, still shocked at seeing such anger in his boyfriend’s eyes. Tom, however, had not finished. “That bastard made you almost kill yourself Oli! That letter…those words…how am I supposed to just forgive him for almost making my only brother disappear?!”

               “Because I love him!” flashed Oli. “This may be news to you Tom, but I have depression, and sometimes that makes people react to situations in ways that don’t make sense. Kellin never forced me to write those letters. He never forced me to feel that way. I just do sometimes! But y’know who makes me feel better? Kellin! So I’m sorry that you’re placing all the blame on him, and not forgiving him, but you’re making me miserable while you do it! You’re making things so much harder and worse than they need to be!” Oli’s voice began to break apart at the last sentence, having held out for as long as it could, quickly bringing looks of concern over the other two boy’s faces. Tom reached out for him, but the older Sykes drew away and concluded in a lower voice, “I’m going to go find something to drink for my voice, and somewhere to sit. Don’t bother coming to find me until you two get over yourselves.”

               Kellin was rooted to the spot as he watched his boyfriend stalk away. Despite their height difference, Kellin had never felt small next to Oli, until now. For once, his boyfriend had seemed tall and imposing, leaving Kellin feeling small and ashamed. Oli was right: fighting with Tom was just making them all miserable. But how did he fix that?

               Looking over to the other boy, Tom looked just as chastised as Kellin felt. Maybe there was hope afterall. But first, he had to swallow his ego. Easier said than done. But for Oli…

               “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he began, taking a step closer. “I’m just super tired…”

               “…I don’t want to hear about you fucking my brother all night,” Tom said, but without any real venom.

               “Actually we haven’t done that yet.”

               At this Tom looked up sharply. “Really? You haven’t?”

               “Is it that much of a surprise?”

               “With your reputation? Yes,” Tom said wryly.

               Kellin rolled his eyes but let it go. “Well your brother is a slow mover in that area, and I’ll never push him for anything he’s not ready for yet, so no, no we haven’t done that yet.”

               Tom nodded and was quiet for a moment. “So if you guys weren’t up for…that…then what were you up for? Don’t tell me it was pillow talk…”

               “I have problems with nightmares once in awhile, and Oli finally got to see that first hand last night.”

               “That…is surprising?”

               “Not really. I had them after your dad almost killed Oli last year, and they gradually got better. But then with this latest hospital trip, they’ve been…bad to say the least.”

               “They’re about Oli, aren’t they?”

               “I keep losing him. Over and over. And I can’t tell you what an awful feeling that is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.” Kellin could feel tears swim in his eyes, but he blinked them away with a deep breath.

               “I guess I’m sorry too then,” Tom said slowly. “I just…it felt so quick for him to forgive you like that, and I don’t know. I just thought you got off the hook, and it made me mad. And I just wanted to punish you.”

               Kellin let out a bark of a laugh. “Well Oli keeps trying to let me off the hook, but I keep re-attaching myself to it for some reason. I don’t know what your letter said, but I can still remember reading mine, and I barely got through it before I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. And even when he forgave me, Tom, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of it, y’know? Like I still feel like I’m working at deserving his love again, even though he says I don’t have to. I know I screwed up. Trust me, I know. And there will never be a day that goes by, I don’t think, that I’ll just freely forgive myself as easily as he did.”

               “Yeah, he’s always been like that though. Whenever people do stuff to him, he thinks the problem is with him. Drives me nuts sometimes. I just want to shake him to stand up for himself.”

               “So this isn’t a new trait?”

               “No, ever since we were little, he’s been like that. He’s always needed people in a way I never will. He’s always been sensitive like that. I never cried when he did, but he always cried when I did for some reason. That sort of thing.”

               Kellin chuckled at that, “Yeah that sounds like him. It’s really unique though. I swear there’s no one else like him on the planet.”

               “Ok, now you’re getting soppy,” Tom accused with a smirk.

               There was an awkward pause before Kellin tried, “I know I said I wouldn’t break him when you asked the first time, but my ego got in the way. Would it be alright if I promised that I’ll do my best not to let him break himself?”

               Tom’s face softened, and he nodded slowly before meeting Kellin’s eyes with his own. God they really were shaped the same as his brother’s. “Yeah. Based on what you told me, I think you’ve suffered enough.”

               Kellin let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “I suppose we need to go find Oli now…” he said pulling out his phone.

               “And apologize to him too,” Tom grimaced. “Thought I was helping him, and I ended up making everything worse,” he sighed, running his hands over his face. “And I’m not familiar with this park…”

               “Don’t worry,” Kellin assured, pulling up the app on his phone. “He has his phone locator on.”

               Really they both should have known that Oli would be at the dinosaur statues of all places, relaxing against one, and drinking what looked like an iced coffee out of a straw.

               “Can I enjoy the rest of my vacation now?” he inquired, and Kellin was relieved to hear how much better he voice sounded with the cold drink.

               “Yeah, we’ve got it sorted now,” Tom apologized. “Sorry we…well… I…were making you miserable and all that. Didn’t mean to.”

               Oli’s face softened a bit. “I know. I know you were coming from a place of hurt. Better now though?”

               “Much,” Kellin said with an encouraging smile and the brothers.

               With an embrace the brothers made up, and as Oli let go, he said, “Well now that we’ve all decided not be dicks anymore, and I’ve already found my dinosaurs, let’s go find your football club.”

 

               The heat did not dissipate that afternoon, but the tour they were going on was mostly inside anyway. Oli was dually pleased to learn that the tour they were going on was the Warner Bros. Harry Potter studio tour. Apparently it had been a request of Tom’s.

               “Sweet! I completely forgot this was here!” Kellin grinned as they exited the bus.

               “Me too, until Mum mentioned it when she was talking about places to see around London,” Tom agreed.

               “You two are nutters,” Oli shook his head, following behind them.

               “Oh let them have their fun, Oliver,” Ms. Sykes chided.

               “I want to do the sorting hat,” Tom declared.

               Kellin’s eyes went wide. “They have that here?”

               “Yeah you can get sorted too!”

               “Sweet! I wonder what I’ll be…” Kellin thought. “I’m impulsive, so maybe Gryffindor?”

               “You’re really loyal too though, so Hufflepuff is an option for you…”

               “Gryffindor? Hufflepuff? What are you talking about?” Oli asked with curiosity.

               “It’s the four houses…” Kellin explained, going into the traits of each house.

               “I feel like I would be Ravenclaw. I’m pretty obsessive about certain things.”

               “Like footie…” Oli added to his brother’s statement. “I have no idea what I would be. None of those really sound like me…what do you think?” he asked his boyfriend.

               Kellin, however, shared a look with Tom, and at the same time they chorused, “Hufflepuff!” before breaking into laughter.

              

               It turned out that the boys were both right and wrong. As they came to the sorting hat, Tom ran up to the ‘green witch’ first and sat on the stool. With barely a moment on his head, the hat shouted, “Ravenclaw!”

               Kellin went next, the hat this time taking longer, the animatronic face contorting before belting out, “Gryffindor!” He gave Oli an enthusiastic thumbs up, to which the other boy rolled his eyes and sat on the stool. The hat was placed on his head and Kellin held his breath, sharing a glance with the younger Sykes. The face contorted for several moments.

               “Slytherin!”

               Kellin felt his jaw drop.

               “Who’s a Hufflepuff?” Oli gloated as he glided past.

               “There’s no way you’re a Slytherin,” Kellin pouted, which only served to make Oli laugh.

               “Agreed,” Tom said, coming up beside him.

               “What’s wrong with being Slytherin?” the taller boy laughed, enjoying tormenting the other two.

               “Well they’re evil, usually,” Kellin frowned.

               “And they’re supposed to be cunning, and ambitious, and shrewd,” added Tom.

               “You don’t think I can be those things? I mean I want to start my own clothing line, I’ve gotten Kellin out of several jams, but I have good enough judgement not to get into them in the first place. And do you not think that I would bypass laws if it meant protecting the ones I love? I figure Slytherin is a fine match for me really.”

               Kellin couldn’t argue with that logic and simply pressed his lips together and pressed on with the tour, which was amazing. The sheer number or sets and props blew Kellin’s mind, and even Oli and Mrs. Sykes who weren’t so much Potterheads, still found the experience quite magical.

               Once again Kellin lingered in the gift shop, making sure to get something for Rachel, who was also a giant fan.

               “You’re always the longest in the gift shop,” Oli reproved.

               “Well it’s cause I had to get this for you,” he said, and set the little badger keychain into Oli’s waiting hand, watching as a smirk crept onto the other boy’s face. “I got one for me, and Tom too.”

               “Really?” Tom asked, surprised.

               “Yeah. Consider it a peace offering,” Kellin answered, holding out the eagle.

               “Thanks. You didn’t have to…”

               Kellin shrugged, “Oli will tell you that no one makes me do anything I don’t want to do.”

               “That is for damn sure,” his boyfriend teased and took his hand.

 

 

 

               Still in Harry Potter mode the next morning, Kellin half suspected to see the scarlet train roll up as they stood at platform 6 at King’s Cross station. Instead a very modern, brightly painted engine approached, and Oli gripped his hand as they entered the coaches with the crowd. Unlike the plane, Kellin felt much safer on the train, and readily took the window seat this time. Not that there was much to see. The fair weather they had been graced with the few days past was gone, and rain had been pouring since they’d woken up that morning. Now it streaked across the windows as the train zoomed out of London and out into the English countryside.

               The entire ride was about two and a half hours, but even within those two hours, Kellin could sense a change in his boyfriend’s demeanor. He was quiet, with a far-off look in his eyes.

               “Does your mom know that coming to Sheffield will upset you?” Kellin asked quietly, part way into the ride.

                “She didn’t even want me to come, wanted me to stay in London, but there’s a couple things only I can do here. I have to sign over the rest of my father’s money, now that I’m eighteen, and I need to go into the flat and finish picking out the things I want to take home with me. I never really got much of a chance after rehab, and my mom doesn’t know where everything is. But with them now closing this case on my dad, it’s not longer a crime scene, so they’ll clean it out and sell it,” Oli explained in a muted tone. “She needs to finish up everything with the lawyer here and see some friends, so she’ll be busy. And Tom wanted to meet up with a couple friends he kept in touch with from grade school.”

               “So everyone will be ok being here, except for you.”

               “Why do you think I insisted on you coming with me?”

               “Cause you couldn’t bear the thought of being away for two weeks,” Kellin said dramatically.

               This earned a single short laugh from Oli. “It was because I knew that if I brought you, I might be able to focus on you, and not so much where I was, or the painful memories there. Like I’m looking forward to showing you the vegan joint, and the gardens. You’ll like them I think.”

               “I think I’ll like anywhere, as long as it’s with you,” Kellin grinned, taking Oli’s hand with a gentle squeeze.

               Blessedly the taxis of Sheffield seemed to be a bit more tame than those of London, and Kellin didn’t feel like revisiting breakfast as the little car pulled out of the train station, making it’s quick journey to the hotel. If one could call it a hotel.

               It was really a great mansion located in Endcliffe called Halifax Hall, and Kellin couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful grounds, the dark, stained granite, replete with tall, skinny windows, standing in majesty over the property. Even in the pouring rain it seemed to Kellin that some sort of prince must live here, and that it couldn’t really be a hotel.

               After checking in, Ms. Sykes laid out the plan for the next few days. “I’m going to take Tom to his friend’s tomorrow on my way to the lawyer. Oli, the constable said he would meet you at the flat at ten AM sharp. And then you should have the rest of the afternoon to show Kellin around if you like. The next day, you have the banker at 11 AM, and I will be with dear Lizzie. I’m sure Tom would rather hang out with you boys than be surrounded by a couple of old ladies catching up,” she twittered, but then paused, giving Oli a meaningful look. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go to the flat with you?”

               “I’m sure mum. I’ll have Kellin with me,” he reassured, giving Kellin’s hand a squeeze.

               She turned her gaze to Kellin. “Look after my first baby please.”

               “I’m all over it,” Kellin flashed her a smile.

               The rain continued through most of the afternoon, leaving the group to have an early dinner at the hotel.

               “What is black pudding? And what is it with you guys and mushy peas?”

               “You should try the black pudding…” Tom snickered.

               “I’m not gonna try it unless I know what it is. Oli what is Tom trying to get me to eat? Is it like something weird?”

               “What?” Oli looked up from where he had been staring at the menu, his eyes glazed over.

               “Black pudding,” Kellin said slowly.

               “What about it?”

               “Tom keeps trying to get me to try it. What is it?”

               “It’s sausage made with blood, so its sort of this black color.”

               “Yeah ok, that’s a no then.”

               “It’s really quite a bit better than you think,” Ms. Sykes reassured, but shared a worried glance with him about her eldest son.

               Dinner was a muted affair, Oli barely picking at the broccoli and stilton tart. The only upside was that the rain had finally let up, leaving the air warm and moist.

               “I’m going for a walk down into porter,” Oli announced to his mother. Seeing her about to rebuke him, he added, “I’ll bring Kellin and my phone.”

               “Alright, just be careful,” she said slowly. Oli nodded and Kellin followed him out the hotel and down to the dirt path that apparently ran along the little brook. It was pretty, lush, and to Kellin at least there was something quintessentially English about it.

               Kellin supposed Oli was somewhere between functioning and having a full blown Day, and as such hesitated with what he could possibly do for him. So, he took his hand and asked, “Do you know this trail well?”

               This seemed to help snap him out. “A little. I would come here sometimes just to be out of the city. I liked going to peak district and hiking too, but sometimes it was just a bit far. Hiking helped me clear my head.”

               “I can understand that. It’s really pretty here. Everything is so quaint and close together, but people seem to mind their own business. Really different from the Midwest.”

               “Yeah, it’s just the old ladies who gossip here. We’re in the west part of the city, and except for the hiking and gardens, I didn’t come here much, but you’re right. It is nice here. I think that’s why my mum picked our lodgings for here.”

               “Good scenery?”

               “Less memories.”

               At those words the skies opened up again and rain fell in droves, leaving the two boys to get soaked as they ran back to the hotel.

               “I was wondering when we were going to get that infamous English weather you love,” Kellin said as they came to their room, trying to lighten the mood.

               Oli gave him a grateful smile, “It’s payback for all your snow.” Droplets of water fell from the tips of his brunette locks, and his white t-shirt clung to his thin frame, causing the other boy to draw the head down and kiss him as comfortingly as he could.

               “Let’s get into dry clothes before you catch a cold,” Kellin breathed against the other’s lips as they parted.

 

 

               The rain disappeared by morning, and Oli woke with Kellin still wrapped around him, exactly how they had fallen asleep the night before. It was going to be a long day for him, and he just hoped he could get through it without crying, or having anyone recognize him. As usual, waking Kellin was like trying to loose a controlled explosion, the other taking several tries to fully get up and moving. He took his time getting dressed, sure to wear long sleeves and skinny jeans to cover as much of himself as he could. He half wished he could cut his hair and dye it some unlikely color, just to be unrecognizable. Despite being barely hungry for his nerves, Oli managed his way through three quarters of a muffin and half a banana just to appease his boyfriend who was glued to him like a very caring sasquatch. It might have been annoying to anyone else, but at this juncture, Oli knew he needed all the support he could get for the next 48 hours. Even his psychiatrist had thought that the idea of bringing Kellin with him was brilliant move.

               Their ride into the city was quiet, and much like London, Kellin spent much of their time looking around, taking it all in.

               “Its more industrial than London,” Kellin said as they headed up one street after disembarking the tram.

               “It’s called the Steel City for a reason. This is where a lot of it was made. There’s forges and stuff around still, at least the buildings are. In fact, the hotel we’re staying in was owned by a steel tycoon,” Oli explained.  

               The area became seedy as they traveled on, and Oli felt Kellin slip his hand into Oli’s. “Reminds me of parts of Detroit,” Kellin muttered, looking around at the brick buildings.

               Finally, Oli saw a middle-aged constable with his wits about him standing in front of the very building they needed to enter. “Sykes?” the man asked gruffly.

               “Yes, that I am,” Oli answered, and the constable shook his hand.

               “Up we go then. We’ve got about an hour, as it were,” the man said kindly. Following the man up to the third floor, Oli watched as he removed the police tape and several locks to reveal what he’d left behind.

               Everything was mostly as it was. The drugs had been removed from the coffee table, but the bottles of beer remained, now dry and sticky. The hideous couch sat silently, and Oli could vaguely recall sticking the needle in his arm various times as he sat on that middle cushion. Papers that had been obviously rifled through now lay in quiet decomposition on the kitchen table, and the open concept of the connected living room and kitchen smelled stale with lack of cleaning.

               Never letting go of Kellin’s hand, he led the other to the hallway, off which there were several rooms. Oli’s was at the end, and by far the smallest. His tiny former bed remained motionless in the darkest corner. Dust had settled everywhere, even on the empty drug vials that sat on the nightstand. What he wanted was at his desk though. Pulling the drawers out one by one, he extracted several old paper backs, a couple drawing pads, an eagle feather, and several old photographs. In complete silence he handed them to Kellin, who was looking about as one might if they found themselves in a rather troubling dream.

               Upon seeing the photos, Kellin shuffled through them, and managed to smile at a few. “Is that you and Tom?” he asked, holding out the scenes beach scene in which two little boys played, building sand castles and jumping in the waves.

               “Yeah,” Oli answered, lips twitching up at the adoring look in Kellin’s eyes.

               “You were so cute and chubby as a kid.”

               “We looked so similar that lots of people had a hard time telling us apart.”

               “Yeah you weren’t as skinny as you are now, and you have the same eyes, but this one is definitely you,” Kellin said, pointing at the one boy.

               “Aye, that’s me. How could you tell?”

               “Your smile. The way it makes your eyes crinkle a little bit on the corners. That hasn’t changed at all.”

               Slipping the treasures into the nylon shoestring backpack Kellin had brought with them they headed back out into the main space where the constable was waiting.

               “All done there, lads?” he asked.

               “Yes, thank-you for your time,” Oli answered, leaving the flat one last time. It was a weight gone. He would never have to step foot in there again.

               “Well I’ll be off then. You lads have a good day,” the Constable waved.

               “Cheers,” Oli replied, and turned up the street with a deep breath. All he had to do now was take care of the bank items tomorrow and he would never have to return to the Steel City if he never wanted to ever again. But if he thought he might get through it as smoothly as the morning had been, he was wrong.

               “Its so weird picturing you here,” Kellin said aloud, swinging their hands together.

               “Really?”

               “Yeah, like I get when people first look at you, maybe they could make it fit, ‘cause you’re all sharp and hard edges, like this city. But knowing you? You belong somewhere quiet, and tranquil, with lots of flowers.”

               This made Oli at least chuckle, “I guess that’s why I don’t fit in very well after all. Though I’m not sure if I’m much of a flower person. I do like gardens though.”

               “See? And remember the flower crown? That was one of the sweetest things anyone’s ever done for me.”

               “Yeah but-“

               “Oliver Sykes?! Is that you?”

               Oli stopped mid-step and his heart seemed to stop as well. He knew that voice. Turning he saw a familiar man, just about the same age as him. His blond hair swept to the side did not hide his fine features, though he was sporting a bit of facial hair. His eyes were confused though as he took in Oli’s form.

               “Aye, s’me,” Oli said with a nod of his chin.

               “Ginger told me you were dead! Had some sort of shoot out with the old man! This is crazy! Mattie is going to be so pissed knowing you’re alive. Was she just tripping?”

               “Sort of. My father is dead, and I did shoot him, and I almost died, but Kellin saved me.”

               “Kellin…?”

               “That’s me,” Kellin pipped up, giving Oli’s hand a squeeze in reassurance. “And you are?”

               “Name’s Jona. So, are you Oliver’s new source?”

               “Source?” Kellin asked, brow pinching in confusion. Oli’s stomach clenched. He didn’t like where this was going.

               “He’s my boyfriend. Just my boyfriend. I went to rehab and I’m clean,” Oli stated, and edge creeping into his voice.

               Jona, the idiot, did not pick up on the signals though. “Seriously? You? Rehab? Well you know what they say: You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town.”

               “I don’t believe in that ‘once an addict always an addict’ crap,” Oli said, rolling his eyes, which just made Jona laugh.

               “You never did. But to be fair, you were a lot more fun when you were off the wagon. At least for me you were,” Jona chuckled, the cruel edge to his tone that Oli remembered. He wanted to shout, yell for him to stop, to leave, to cover Kellin’s ears, something! But like every time he had been with Jona, he felt powerless. Jona turned to Kellin and said, “Here’s some advice if you’re with him. Get him back off the wagon and using and he will be like putty in your hands. I mean, he was easy when he was high, but I remember I used to let him go dry, and since I was his source, he would do anything to get his next dose, and I mean anything. He’d be on his knees begging and crying, and since he was already there I just had him-“

               Oli didn’t even see Kellin move, he was so fast. One second, he was right next to him, the next he cracked Jona clear across the jaw with a sharp left. Jona’s head snapped and he fell back onto the concrete, looking flabbergasted.

               “Listen here you piece of scum. Oli will NEVER use ketamine again, not as long as I’m around. And I sure as hell don’t need some dealer’s advice on how to treat my boyfriend, especially when it’s clear you didn’t know what you had when you had it. So you can stay the hell away from me and him or I swear to God I will drain every drop of blood from you and use it to make black pudding. We clear?”

               Jona nodded dumbly, watching as a furious Kellin grabbed Oli’s hand and pulled him up the street.

               “It’s you who doesn’t know him you little bitch!” Jona called after them, but Kellin didn’t spare him a second glance, continuing to march to the next tram stop, and get on the first tram available. The shock of seeing Jona, his mouth bloodied and laying on the pavement wore off quickly and Oli suddenly felt very sick to his stomach.

               Kellin got them off at the next Tram stop that was mostly empty, and brought Oli to a bench. “You should sit. You look like you’re ready to pass out,” Kellin’s hands guided him down, and Oli could feel his mind trying to break away from the reality he was in. Kellin sat on his haunches in front of him, blue eyes boring upward into his, and God, Oli had to work so hard to keep with him. His mouth was moving and he watched, trying to stay present and take in the words.

               “You know I am directionally challenged. I don’t know this city like you do, and I need your help to get back to the hotel. Stay with me ok? Now what tram do we need?”

               It was several moments before Oli could form words of his own. “Er, 23, and then switch at the sixth stop to 18. That will get us back,” he answered, trying to swallow down the bile.

               “Alright. Sixth stop, 18, got it,” Kellin repeated.

               The taller boy didn’t remember much of the journey back, but he remembered the thoughts floating around in his head. Being on drugs did funny things to one’s memories, and he couldn’t remember the sex and whatever else he had done very well, but he could remember the desperation. The NEED. The terrible, choking sensation of wanting so badly that you would cut off your arm to get it was cemented in his mind. It gnawed on one’s insides like a thousand rats until one snapped, couldn’t take it any more. He could recall giving in. Every time he’d tried to stop, and the sensation would come back. And every time he could only hold out so long until he was screaming, crying, crawling for the release of that horrendous low that had him in its grips.

               It left him dirty. So soiled. Used. Unclean. Unworthy.

               “What do you need baby?” Kellin asked gently, taking the backpack from him and setting it by their suitcases as they re-entered their hotel room.

               “Bath,” Oli croaked out, still feeling stuck in his quagmire mind.

               “You want a bath?”

               He nodded.

               “Ok, I’ll go make you a bath,” Kellin answered simply, letting Oli stand there for a moment while he rustled around in the bathroom, the faucets running and Kellin rearranging things. When he came out, Oli noticed he had both of their razors and tucked them into the large duffle for safe keeping. Going back in he must have checked the water before turning it off. “Do you need help getting undressed?” Kellin asked, but Oli simply shook his head and looked down at where Kellin held his hands, imagining the black uncleanliness that he was spreading onto the boy, so he drew his hands away.

               “I’m going to sit right in the doorway so you can have some privacy, but I’m right here if you need anything ok?” Kellin made sure they made eye contact, and Oli acknowledged him before he left. Kellin grabbed a pillow and a book, and sat right in the doorframe, focusing on the book so Oli could undress.

               The water was the perfect temperature, and Kellin had been intuitive enough to move Oli’s toiletries out of the shower and to the ledge of the tub. After washing his hair Oli grabbed at the soap and loofa, and scrubbed. And soaked. And scrubbed again. But no matter how much he tore at the scars, the tattoos, they remained steadfastly there, covered in the grime of what he had allowed that man to do to him, what he had willingly done in order to get the drugs to satisfy the gaping hole in his soul. The water turned cold. He was so filthy and nothing could erase it. So he scrubbed. And scrubbed.

               Suddenly there was a hand on his own, stilling the loofa against his skin. “Baby, that’s the seventh time you’ve scrubbed at yourself. The water is cold, and your skin is getting raw,” Kellin gently coaxed, his voice slow as it always was when Oli felt mixed up inside.

               He tried to form words. Had to get his point across. Didn’t Kellin realize how foul he was? Wasn’t he afraid of getting soiled as well? “No…I…I’m not clean…” Oli mumbled, letting his eyes finally meet Kellin’s worried ones.

               “Baby you’ve been in the bath for an hour now, you have scrubbed yourself so clean that even my mother would be proud,” Kellin said, confused at Oli’s behavior.

               “But…those things…I didn’t want you to know I…I mean I did them willingly…but I had to. Oh God Kellin, you don’t understand what it’s like when you’re burning from the inside and you’d do anything…anything…but now I’m obscene. I’m dirty and I’ll never be clean.” Tears began to leak from the corners of his eyes, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, wanting to be as small as he possibly could.

               “Oli…Oli look at me. Is this why you got scared the other night?” Kellin asked, kneeling fully beside the tub and resting a hand on a soaking wet knee.

               “Sort of. Its just…you’re so good in that area, and way more experienced than me. All my times have been when I’ve been high, or so low that I would do anything to get high, and I don’t really remember them, and I feel like I’m just going to be rubbish at it. I’m going to spoil it for you because I’m so tainted. I feel like I’m going to infect you with my filth, and I don’t know how you’d want to be with me after that…”

               “Oh Oli, that’s not how it works. It’s like…like learning to dance together. I might have danced a few more times with people, but how I dance with each person is completely different. We might step on each other’s toes the first couple times, but pretty soon we’ll have our rhythm and just like that we’re spinning around the room like we were born to do it. I don’t expect you to be perfect at it the first time around, and I should hope that you wouldn’t expect me to be either! It’s not your fault that Jona used you like that Oli, but you should know I would never do anything like that to you. I don’t care what that shit-stick said you did. I would never force you into anything you were uncomfortable with ok?”

               Whatever Gods he had appeased to end up with someone like Kellin, Oli didn’t know, but the words of reassurance just made him cry harder.

               “Baby…c’mon. Let’s get you out before you catch a chill and I can turn the TV on for you. I’ll go get your clothes and let you dry off.”

               Kellin pulled him up and kissed his damp forehead, as he gingerly dried off. Kellin left the clothes on the pillow so Oli could get dressed in privacy.

               “You didn’t have any sweatpants so those are mine,” Kellin explained from the room, answering Oli’s silent wonderings as to why they felt big on him.

               “Shirt?” Oli inquired, poking his head out of the bathroom.

               “I want to do something for you that used to help my mom when she was stressed out.”

               “I’m not stressed,” Oli mumbled.

               “Baby, if your shoulders get any higher, they’re going to be permanently installed at your ears. Just trust me. Come lay down on your front,” beckoned Kellin, pulling Oli to one of the beds.

               Oli did as told, the satin sheets cool against his front, the sweatpants tied as tight as they could go around his slim hips. He felt Kellin kneel on the bed next to him.

               “I haven’t done this in awhile, so I’m sorry if it sucks. My mom always said I was really good at it, but y’know how moms are,” Kellin said, before quieting.

               Waiting patiently, Oli eventually felt warm hands on his back, skating over the skin at first with cool lotion. The fingers, knuckles, thumbs then began to dig harder, working out the terrible knots, rendering the muscles supple and loose. Oli had never experienced anything like it, but could recall the blissed out look Kellin had had when he’d rubbed his feet the other night, and couldn’t help but agree. There was something about the act of massage that left one feeling loved and cared for, and it was assuring to Oli that while seeing Jona again had clearly thrown him off, Kellin didn’t love him any less for the things the bastard had brought to light. Kellin would never make him do what Jona had.

               When Kellin had finished, he slipped Oli’s night hoodie on, even though it was only late afternoon, and turned the TV on to some British comedy about a bunch of priests somewhere in Ireland. Yanking the white, fluffy comforter off the other bed, he wrapped Oli in it. Mustering what he could, Oli was sure to give him a sleepy, grateful smile. Kellin propped several of the pillows against the headboard, and pulling Oli to him, allowed the other boy to snuggle down and press against him as he liked to. Exhausted from the emotional morning, Oli shut his eyes, and feeling safe and protected, dropped right off into sleep.

 

 

              

               “Where’s Oli?” Tom asked the next morning as he approached Kellin in the main entryway of the hotel.

               “He’ll be down in two seconds,” Kellin answered brightly, stashing his phone. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

               “You just did, but you can ask another if you want.”

               Ignoring the slight dig, Kellin inquired softer, “Do you know a Jona?”

               “Last name?”

               “Didn’t catch it.”

               “Hmmmmm. Well Oli had a childhood friend named Jona. I want to say that was his first boyfriend too. Blond hair, good looking bloke. Never said what happened to him though. Why?”

               “I might have punched him yesterday…”

               He watched Tom’s eyes go wide. “You punched Oli’s ex-boyfriend?”

               “He was being an asshole and deserved it. I just…I thought maybe he was something more to Oli than he implied. Oli was upset.”

               “Yeah, they were pretty close when they were younger. I hate it when people are shitty to him though. He can’t seem to get a break.”

               “I know, right? He’s feeling better this morning at least.”

               “Hey Kells?”

               “Yeah?”

               “Thanks for punching him in the face,” Tom smirked, and Kellin chuckled as well.

               The second day in Sheffield was much less dramatic than the first, though Oli, while vastly improved from the day before, was still subdued in his own way. The bank went smoothly, as the money that wasn’t used in civil forfeiture was turned over to Oli (Kellin almost choked at the sum), and they managed to get lunch at Oli’s favorite vegan restaurant down by the river.

               “You happy now?” Tom asked Oli as they exited. “You finally got me to eat one of your vegetable monstrosities.”

               “And it were good, weren’t it?” Oli smirked in a thick accent.

               “I could be convinced to try it again,” Kellin pipped in, happy to see his boyfriend ‘buzzing’ off the avocado wings. The dialect here was so funny.

               “You’re supposed to be on my side!” accused Tom.

               Kellin just shrugged and held up his palms. “Sorry buddy. Good is good and I could not tell that my burger wasn’t beef.”

               “Traitor,” Tom scoffed in mock spite.

               The rest of the afternoon was sunny, and Oli showed them the winter gardens where he used to hide out from his father, as well as the botanical gardens he went to when he needed to get out of the city.

               “Wait!” Tom cried suddenly as they came to the center, surrounded by lush flowers of every color. Like the rebel he could be, Oli had been plucking them here and there, and had made a tiny crown for both he and Kellin.  At the call however, both of them froze. “Don’t move,” Tom said, pulling out his phone, and both boys remained still, after taking a couple of pictures, he turned it around to show them. “Sorry it was too much to explain and I needed you guys to just stay still.”

               It was easy to see why. In the pictures were Kellin and Oli (though Oli was making a face), crowns anointing their heads, but the reason they’d had to remain still was the little kaleidoscope of butterflies, hovering around their heads.

               “Basic white girls would kill for that,” Kellin snickered.

               “Can you send that to me?” Oli asked.

               “Sure. Anything for you dorks and your lovey flowers,” Tom scoffed genially.

               “You’re just jealous of our flower crowns. I bet if you asked nicely, Oli could make you one too,” Kellin teased.

               “No thank-you,” Tom rolled his eyes. “We’ve got enough Hufflepuffs in the family without adding me to the list.”

               Oli just stuck his tongue out and smiled, “Still a Slytherin thanks. The talking hat said so.”

               “Whatever…”

              

 

               Kellin was getting used to travel by train. Sheffield to York, and then York to Scarborough allowed them to arrive at Scarborough by mid afternoon. It seemed like a sleepy little town, and Kellin couldn’t figure out the attraction at first, though he was happy to be gone from Sheffield. Heck, even the Taxi obeyed the speed limit. The hotel was at least impressive, boasting beauteous bay windows that sat elegantly on a French frame. It was when they got to the room that Kellin realized why they had come.

               “You didn’t tell me this place was on the ocean!” he exclaimed, walking out onto the balcony and breathing in the salty air.

               “You didn’t ask,” Oli chuckled, still arranging their things in the room.

               The sea sparked in the mid-day sun, and Kellin couldn’t believe he was actually in a place this picturesque. “Can we go down on the beach?” he inquired excitedly, hurrying back in to hunt for his swim trunks.

               “We can do whatever you want,” the answer came.

               Kellin felt like a puppy being walked for the first time as he waited in the foyer for Tom and Ms. Sykes to join them. Bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet he nearly went through the roof when they finally arrived.

               “You’d think he’d never seen the ocean,” Tom remarked to his brother, causing Kellin to turn around.

               “That’s cause I haven’t! You guys might have grown up close to the ocean, but I grew up in the great lakes. This is totally new for me.”

               “Well I’m sure you’ll like it, but just be careful of the current, ok Kellin?” Ms. Sykes warned.

               “The lakes have a current, so I’m used to it.”

               Despite it being a weekday, many people seemed to have the same idea to soak up the sun on such a lovely afternoon. The small crowd didn’t stop Kellin who waded into the water, feeling and smelling the salty waves as they pushed him to and fro. He came out to find Tom constructing a sand castle and Oli relaxing on his own towel next to his mother. The tattooed boy was still quiet from the other day, and it was always a worry in the back of Kellin’s mind that he was still upset about the incident. But with his shades on and sun warming the skin exposed from underneath his tank-top and shorts, he looked like a colorful lizard on a rock. He was already asleep.

               Plopping down next to him on the sand, Ms. Sykes remarked from her own towel, “This is so nice. I haven’t been here since I last took the boys.”

               “You came here?”

               “Yeah we would come on a weekend sometimes, just to get out of the city. I would bring Oli and Tom, sometimes their friends if they wanted, and we would just spend the day at the beach.”

               Kellin tried to imagine little Oli, tottling along and playing in the sand. “It’s weird to think of him as little. I think because I never knew him when he was.”

               “Oh he was adorable. Always liked to have friend around. But such a trouble maker. One time he was playing at the playground, and Tom scraped his knee, so I was busy with him, and then Oli just up and disappeared. You can’t imagine my panic! I looked everywhere, thought he’d been kidnapped, and finally found him in the alley next to the play ground, petting the mangiest cat I had ever seen, and making friends with it. In fact, I think he named it violet…or petunia…”

               “Daisy,” Oli’s voice said, making them both jump, and Oli smirk. “I remember you being really mad at me too for wandering off.”

               “You topped it the next week by coloring all over the wallpaper in the living room with red crayon if I recall.”

               “Really?” Kellin said, looking back at his boyfriend who shrugged.

               “I was a creative kid…”

               “You had ADHD and destroyed half of my antiques,” Ms. Sykes accused, though there was a smile in her voice.

               “Oh my God. The worst thing I did was forget to tell my mom was at Vic’s once and she called the police. I mean, if I was going to get into trouble, it was usually Vic’s fault, and at school or something. But man, if I ever tried to color wallpaper, I’m not sure who would have beaten me first: my mother or my grandmother.”

               “Did I mention it was red? On my cream colored walls? At least if he went to Jona’s or Curtis’s house you were behaved.”

               There was that name again. How could Oli’s childhood friend have said and done those awful things to him? It was in heavy contemplation that Kellin joined Oli in being rather quiet the rest of the day. He felt that communication in their relationship was getting better, but how did one ask about this? He couldn’t just blurt out that he wanted to know more about Jona and what had ever happened to them, but at the same time he desperately wanted to know. How else could he help his boyfriend move past it, if he didn’t know the depth with which Oli and Jona’s relationship had even been measured?

              

 

               After the drama of the last few days, both boys slept in the next morning. Kellin had insisted on leaving the balcony door cracked overnight so he could smell the unique ocean air, but this let the cool breeze filter in, and come late morning the boys were so tangled up for warmth they had a hard time determining whose limbs were whose. Kellin knew the subtle hitch in Oli’s breath that signaled his wakefulness, and propping his head on the other’s warm, colorful arm, he kissed the tip of that hawk-like nose, and then rested his forehead against the other’s.

               Sincere hazel eyes fluttered open to meet blue, and the corner of Kellin’s favorite lips ticked up gently. “Good morning, love,” Oli greeted, his voice still rough with sleep.

               “I think it’s close to afternoon,” Kellin whispered back, “But it is good all the same.”

               “We’ve slept half our day ‘way.”

               “Did you have something in mind? Go back to the beach?”

               “I want to take you up on the moors. It always were ma favorite…” Oli answered, Kellin’s heart swooning as it did when Oli’s accent got thick with sleep.

               “You’re going to have to shove me out of bed because I am super comfy, right here,” Kellin challenged, and buried his cold nose down into Oli’s hot neck, causing him to jump.

               The cool air fluttering in sent goosebumps scurrying up his skin. Kellin whined and wrapped himself in the blanket, burying his head in the pillow as Oli stood to go shower. Ink kissed fingers tugged affectionately at the ebony locks as the taller boy warned, “You better get up and moving or we’re not going to have enough daylight left to see the cliffs.”

               “Cliffs?”

               Oli didn’t answer though, and disappeared to the bathroom to shower. Though loathe to do it, Kellin extricated himself from the warmth of the bed. Wasn’t it supposed to be warm in the summer? Slipping jeans, a shirt and a hoodie on, he wandered out onto the balcony to wait for the bathroom. Unlike yesterday, which had been sunny and warm with nary a cloud in the sky, today was cloudy and a bit cooler, with a decent breeze gusting off the ocean. If they were going hiking, Kellin didn’t want to have to continually eat his locks, and waited for Oli to come out so the other could pull his hair back for him. He really should learn to do it by himself some day, but Oli was just so much better.

               After having a small breakfast and checking in with Ms. Sykes, they headed out and up the street. They took a bus headed out of town, and Kellin could not figure out for the life of them where they were when they hopped off. A little wooden sign marked some sort of trail, but the words had been weathered off.

               “What is this place?”

               “Ravenscar,” Oli answered, his long legs setting the pace as they headed down the dirt road. Kellin had to work to keep up, and forgot how fit Oli was from soccer that spring. Kellin had gone on morning runs with him and Vic, but he always resented the fact that he had to take a step and a half to Oli’s one.

               The dirt road eventually ended, and they came to a grassy path. Once there, Kellin could see what Oli meant about the cliffs. Beautiful and wretched, the sea clawed at the land, slowly breaking it down into more sand at the base of the sudden drops. Grass shuddered with the wind, bullied into pointing away from the turbulent waters. Patches of purple heather convulsed with the gusts, adding patches of color to the dour, windswept landscape. It was beautiful in a lonely, desolate way.

               They had been walking quietly for some time when Oli paused, as if he saw something out on the water, and let his long legs carry him into the heathers and to the edge. Kellin, who had been following behind, watched, feeling his heart catch in his throat as he looked at the wonderous creature he could make claim to. Standing at the ledge and looking out, the wind stroked the chocolate curls back, flowers worshiping up and down at his feet. The tall frame boasted elegance, refined like bone china and nearly as breakable. For the first time all day the clouds broke apart, and beams of sunlight reached through their heights, highlighting the different colors of Oli’s plaid shirt and painted skin that hugged his alluring physique, and setting those amber eyes on fire.

               Was it possible to fall in love all over again? Kellin was sure it was happening to him right there. His boy. His man. His disfigured, magnificent lover who seemed to take all the ugliness the world had given him and make it something exquisite, much like the lonesome landscape about them. And just like the land, there was a sort of isolation, a sublime sadness, that would always be there. But it made Kellin love him all the more. It was one thing to love and appreciate someone’s cheer and joy, but quite another to adore someone at their most bleak. He had never met, let alone loved, someone like Oli before, and he was very certain he never would come to care for anyone else the same way he had for the figure before him.

               “He was my friend before he was anything else,” Oli began quietly, and in order to hear him, Kellin closed the distance between them. He stood facing the sea with Oli, letting the wind brush against them, the beams of sun reflecting off the black waters, and pulled Oli’s cold hand into his warm one. He didn’t say anything, just waited patiently for Oli to continue.

               “We grew up on the same block together. Both rubbish at school. Used to annoy the piss out of teachers, probably a lot like you and Vic,” he scoffed gently, and then the frown returned. “When my parents divorced, he was there. But then to make some money, he started working for my father. The people that worked for him were not all like Juju. Juju was rather the exception. As dealers, they had to be ruthless, not care what their clients wanted. They had to get the money. We were still friends, but he was moving into a different crowd, and I was isolating myself. I tried to tell him what my father was doing to me once, but his advice was to simply not make the man mad, and that it was his employer and he really couldn’t say too much about it.”

               Kellin’s stomach rolled, and he unconsciously held Oli’s hand a bit tighter. At least his voice wasn’t starting to break down yet.

               “After my father found out I was knicking his supply, I knew I would have to find a proper source, so I came to Jona again. And he agreed, as long as we dated. I was…desperate…so I went along with it. He was handsome after all, and I could do a lot worse, I reasoned. And at first my addiction wasn’t a terrible problem. But then it spiraled out of control, and I wanted, no, needed, to be high all the time. I couldn’t stand the lows any more. And he used it against me. He’d let me use up my supply, and then coerce me into…things. I really don’t remember much from that. The ketamine’s burned most of my brain from that period. I just remember being hungry and sick for the drugs, all the time. And when _everything_ happened and I finally went to rehab, I just never saw him again, until a couple days ago.”

               Kellin was quiet for some time, and he didn’t have to look to know that Oli had tears in his eyes. He could hear it in his voice.

               “I’m glad I punched him, and I’m sorry I didn’t kick him in the ballsack.”

                 “I’m glad you didn’t though. He might have thought about retaliating if you did. But he hurt me, you punched him, it’s done.”

               “I still would love to beat the shit out of him,” Kellin whined softly. “I mean, some of the guys I dated weren’t perfect, but I don’t think even Derek would have done what that scumbag did to you.”

               “Yeah. I mean I dated a girl for awhile, but she was an addict like me. I don’t think either of us remember it being great, but it wasn’t awful like _him._ ”

               Kellin nodded and the silence fell between them again, before he broke it. “You know how much I love you right?”

               “I would imagine about as much as I love you,” Oli answered, the hiding behind the clouds now and turning those golden eyes dark.

               “Even more,” Kellin challenged, tugging at Oli’s shirt, reaching up to kiss him sweetly. Those long tattooed fingers held his head, playing with the little fly-aways that had escaped his ponytail with the breeze. Oli’s mouth was warm, tongue gentle as Kellin sighed into the kiss, letting the taller boy set the pace. Part of Kellin seemed to light on fire, and all he wanted to do what throw Oli down into the soft heather and go at it right there, but Oli seemed to be reveling at being in control for once.

               “Impossible,” Oli breathed against Kellin’s lips, and when he opened his eyes he could see something smoldering in those hazel eyes that sent a thrill down his spine.

               It was then that the first drop of rain fell onto Kellin’s nose, followed quickly by another, until it seemed all the heavens had opened up, and the downpour came.

               “Ah shit,” Oli groused, looking up at the sky, his locks already trying to stick to his skin.

               “No wonder you’re so used to the rain!” Kellin shouted over the thunderous sound.

               Like naughty children they ran, splaying up mud and dirt as they came back to the road. The rain lessened to a steady pour as they came to the bus stop. Kellin was beginning to lose the feeling in his toes, and Oli could not seem to stop shaking. They waited, shivering in the cool breeze until the bus arrived, various people aboard giving them sympathetic looks for being caught in the rain.

               “It’s because the gorse aren’t blooming h-here,” Oli shivered.

               “Gorse?”

               “W-when gorse are blooming, kissing is in season. B-but they’re not so we got punished.”

               “England is so weird,” Kellin chuckled, gripping Oli’s hand just a bit tighter to stop the shaking.

               Oli turned the heat on in the room up as soon as they entered, and Kellin made a bee-line for the bathroom, filling the large tub with hot water. Both of them were soaked to the bones.

               Pulling the other boy in, Kellin said quickly, “I d-don’t want either of us getting h-hypothermia, but you’re s-skinnier than me, so you first,” he commanded, helping Oli’s shaking hands undo the buttons on his shirt. Once satisfied that Oli could get himself in the water, Kellin set about pulling out more warm clothes for them. Hoodies, sweatpants, extra blankets in the chest drawers, all of it was piled on the bed when Oli came out, skin pink where it wasn’t covered in bright colors.

               Sinking into the fresh hot water, Kellin let out a sigh, his toes painfully coming back to life. Leaning his head against the edge of the tub he tried to think of what to do. Now at least he knew why Oli had been so reluctant to have sex. The other boy seemed to slowly be getting over it, knowing that Kellin would never push him or make him feel uncomfortable about a sub-par performance. But in the meantime, Kellin felt like he was going to implode, especially with being around Oli so much. And there was only so much his hand could do for him.

               A very small part, far in the recesses of his mind whispered that perhaps Oli wasn’t attracted enough to him. Surely Oli loved him, as anyone could love a loyal and helpful friend. And in his eyes today he had seen the smoldering look of desire but still hadn’t acted on it. He was attractive enough, had never been told otherwise, but what if Oli didn’t see him that way? Despite the superficial scars, Oli was fit and strong, and Kellin was pretty sure he’d spied well defined abdominal muscles last time, and it left Kellin feeling rather inadequate. Jona, the bastard, had been smoking hot, not that Kellin had even been remotely attracted. And what about that other girl Oli had mentioned? At least theirs sounded consensual. Was Oli more into girls when it came to sex? What if Kellin wasn’t good enough to inspire that kind of love in him?

               “Alright there, love?” Oli asked, poking his head into the steamy room. “I was going to go get dinner. What do you want?”

               It wasn’t that he wasn’t hungry, but his thoughts left him without appetite. But if he said anything, Oli might worry. “I’ll have whatever you’re getting.”

               “You want halloumi tacos?”

               “Yeah, that sounds good.”

               Giving him a strange look, Oli disappeared, and Kellin let out a sigh. Extricating himself from the tub, he looked in the mirror briefly, poking disapprovingly at his curved hips before retreating to the bedroom.

               “Apparently Tom and my mum got soaked at the beach,” Oli announced, as he came back in with their dinner. “Feel better now?”

               “I don’t know how you put up with all this rain,” Kellin sighed, taking the Styrofoam box he was offered.

               “You get used to it,” replied Oli, sliding onto the bed next to him with his own dinner and wrapping them in a blanket together.  Flipping through the television he found the same program as the night before about the priests on craggy island.

               The little tacos turned out not to be bad, for being vegetarian. And they didn’t make Kellin feel bad when he ate them. He had never really payed attention to what he ate before, unless it was something he didn’t like, but the voice in the back of his mind was there, pondering what Oli wanted.

               Tired from the hike and the rain, Oli curled up at his side soon after. He snuggled tight against Kellin’s heat, just his face and a few locks of hair visible from the cocoon of blanket. Kellin couldn’t help but feel his heart warm at the sight, and with the sound of British accents in the background, followed suit.

 

 

               “You’ll want to sit on the right side,” Oli guided his boyfriend as they boarded their train at the busy York station.

               “Why?” Kellin asked.

               “You’ll see,” Oli smirked

               “I hope you boys appreciate the hotel I got for us in Edinburgh. In fact, I might use their spa tomorrow evening after I meet with the local office for a bit of work.”

               “Go for it mum,” Tom replied. “You deserve a break once in awhile.”

               “Suck up,” Oli coughed into his hand and caused Kellin to snicker, but Ms. Sykes just ignored them.

               This was their longest train ride, but Oli loved listening to music with Kellin and watching the British countryside stream by while he doodled intermittently on one of his drawing pads. The real joy was seeing Kellin’s eyes light up as they came north of Goswick and the ocean bloomed out of Kellin’s window.

               “What’s this?” Kellin asked, looking at the doodles and lines Oli had written.

               “I dunno. I was just watching you look at the water, and these little lyrics popped in my head. Go ahead and give them a try.”

               “ _I am the ocean, I am the sea, there is a world, inside of me…_ That’s really pretty.”

               “So are you.”

               Kellin rolled his eyes and huffed, “Pretty is for girls.”

               “Pretty is for anyone who deserves it,” Oli countered, though he couldn’t help but notice something quiet and withdrawn when Kellin said it. Was he missing something?

 

               Edinburgh was a great city, and Oli could recall visiting his grandmother here when he was a child. His mother had worked hard to have a more Yorkshire accent, but she had grown up in Edinburgh. As such she knew it like the back of her hand, and easily dragged her gaggle of boys to the hotel.

               The Balmoral was more of a castle than anything else, more grand than their stay in Sheffield even. Oli enjoyed watching Kellin’s eyes go wide in wonder as they entered, a concierge immediately taking their bags and making sure they had everything they needed.

               “Tom and I will be in the J.K. Rowling suite, and you two boys will be in the Drummond suite. I expect you to respect how much this was, am I clear?” she said, handing Oli two keys.

               What did she think? They were rock stars or something?

               “We’ll be careful mum,” he reassured, seeing Kellin still in awe, looking around them at the opulent entrance hall.

               “Alright. I’ll meet you both down here so we can go see Edinburgh castle. I have the tickets here,” she explained.

               “How come you get the Harry Potter room?” Kellin quipped at Tom.

               “Because the person I’m staying with wasn’t mis-housed,” Tom accused, looking at Oli, and drawing Kellin’s stare there as well. The eldest simply rolled his eyes.

               “Fair enough,” Kellin sighed, shaking his head.

               Even Oli was impressed when they came to their room. Chic, cozy furniture in the sitting room, high thread count sheets on the bed, and beautiful views of Edinburgh castle out the many windows.

               “Oh my God, does this fireplace work?” Kellin asked in awe, touching the mantle and everything else in the room, as if trying to wrap his mind around it. “I feel like some sort of royalty staying here…”

               “Be sure to thank my mum then,” encouraged Oli as he continued to take in the room.

               “I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place this nice,” Kellin muttered. “I’m afraid to sit on the furniture.”

               “Yeah I think I saw some old lady in the foyer clutch her pearls when she saw you and me,” Oli answered with a chuckle. “But royal we are for a day or two.”

               “Vic and I used to play this game, when we were little, imagining all the things we would do if we were kings for a day. I don’t even think we came up with a place this nice. But then again, his parents were ok, but blue collar, and I only had my mom, so it was a step up just to go to Applebee’s instead of McDonalds,” Kellin muttered, looking out the window at the castle.

               “And now you’re here, in the fanciest hotel in Edinburgh.”

               “Just living the dream,” Kellin grinned at him, which instantly caused Oli to grin back.

               “Aye. Me too.”

 

               The castle was beautiful itself but the views from it were even better. Oli had come a few times when he was little, but it had been so long he could appreciate it anew. The best part was dinner though. The restaurant had spectacular scenery of Edinburgh, and Oli was starving from walking around the castle. The cauliflower ‘steak’ was drool worthy, and the puddings were to die for.

               The only thing that seemed to put a damper on the evening was his boyfriend’s eating habits. As far as Oli could recall, Kellin had always eaten whatever he wanted, and with gusto. But ever since the moors, Kellin had been eating like a bird. He barely touched his breakfast, they had all missed lunch, and at dinner, when Oli expected him to be hungry and try something like steak or lamb, he had gotten what Oli had, and then only took two bites of the pudding (peanut butter parfait in this instance) that Oli offered to share with him. His mother and brother might have been oblivious to it, but the change had Oli rather concerned.

               “You alright love? You always love dessert,” Oli asked as they came back to their suite. He dug through his suitcase for his sleepwear.

               “I have a headache,” Kellin confessed quietly.

               “Well they left us a tea service here, so let me make you some while you shower.”

               When he came out, Oli had set the tray on the coffee table, and did a double take when he saw Kellin wearing a hoodie. The boy barely liked wearing a shirt to bed, let alone something quite that bulky.

               “Cold, love?” Oli asked, to which Kellin nodded. Curling up and turning the TV on, Oli handed him some aspirin and poured a cup of tea. He knew Kellin liked milk and sugar, but when he went to make it, his boyfriend stayed his gesture.

               “I just want it plain.”

               “Are you sure?” A nod. “Alright. Here you go love. Be careful. It’s hot.”

               Curling up at Oli’s side, Kellin took the aspirin and sipped his tea, grimacing at the plain taste. Oli had specifically made the herbal variety they had in the little tea box to help with Kellin’s headache. It was weird to see him so quiet, and Oli quietly hoped the other boy wasn’t becoming ill. He must have been tired though, because as he leaned against Oli, he fell asleep, the taller boy still rubbing his back through the layers of sweatshirt. Oli watched his sleeping face as he carried the other boy to their bed and tucked him in. It was slack and innocent, and Oli’s heart did small flip-flops as he looked at him for a moment, running his hands through and tucking back the gossamer ebony hair. Kellin was nearly everything to him, and it struck Oli there, in the lamplight, that he could see himself growing old with him. The permanence of such a future, the weight of it, settled pleasantly in Oli’s chest, and as he crawled in beside Kellin, held him close, falling asleep to the very thought.

 

 

               “AHHHH!” Kellin screeched and gabbed at Oli’s hand, Tom’s raucous laugher filling the void the scream had left after jumping out from behind one of the walls.

               “Stop scaring him,” Oli sighed at his younger brother as they emerged from the underground.

               “You are such as ass!” Kellin shook, once he got his breathing under control. “And you told me it wouldn’t be that scary!” He accused Oli.

               “It wasn’t…” Oli hummed.

               “Oh yes it was. I could totally feel that…that…thing! In the damnation alley! I should have just stayed with your mom at the spa.”

               “Aw c’mon now. Then you’d miss out on the pub,” Tom reassured. “And really the tour guide just uses words to make you think something’s there.”

               “It was there! I could sense it!” Kellin growled petulantly. “How come you’re never afraid?” He rounded on Oli.

               Oli just shrugged, but Tom piped up, “He used to be scared of the dark when he was little. He was scared of a bunch of stuff.”

               “And yet now he can walk through haunted catacombs and not bat an eye,” Kellin sighed as they came to the pub they wanted to try. Tom had found it, as he really wanted to try some of the scotch, and since he was accompanied by others, despite being 17, it was more likely he would be served.

               It was a cozy establishment, and they even had some vegetarian options on the little food menu. Oli ordered them some chips and hummus, and they each took time with the drink menu.

               “The twelve year isn’t bad, but if you’re going for taste I’d go for the fifteen,” Oli explained, seeing Kellin look at the menu oddly.

               “Twelve year what?”

               “Single malt whisky. It’s what Scotland’s famous for,” Tom answered.

               “Can I get a flight?”

               “It’s a bit stronger than beer, and they don’t serve flights,” Oli warned. He had gotten drunk plenty of times before he discovered the sweet abyss of ketamine. Now, with all the medications he was on, it was best to avoid drink, but he figured a single glass wouldn’t hurt.

               “I know but I want to try at least a few. You can taste what I don’t drink,” Kellin promised.

               Tom ordered pita and hummus for them, so they didn’t drink on an empty stomach, but for Kellin it didn’t seem to matter. Thirsty for fear and walking around the ghost tour, he had finished two different types and was onto his third by the time Oli had finished ¾ of his first over an hour.  And if Kellin was talkative when sober, he was even more so when buzzing on good whisky. Tom didn’t seem to mind though, and the two spent at least the next hour (in which Kellin tried another variety, that seemed to go down just as quickly, so he moved onto his fourth and then fifth) talking about Harry Potter.

               “…I know right? How could she separate the twins like that?” Kellin demanded.

               “Yeah I was kind of upset at that,” Tom agreed, still nursing his first drink.

               “I mean, not as upset as Oli being sorted into Slytherin though.”

               Oli, who had been nursing the hummus and avoiding the Harry Potter topic glanced up. “I think you both are just jealous I got sorted into the coolest house, from what I’ve heard.”

               “Nu-uh. I got the coolest…I got…got the lion one-“

               “-Gryffindor-“ Tom intercepted.

               “Yeah, see? That’s the coolest one. You belong in the badger one.”

               “And why would I belong in that one?” Oli scoffed affectionately, noting how red Kellin’s face and the tips of his ears had become.

               “Cause you’re all cute, and fluffy, and pretty…”

               Oli raised his eyebrows and shared a look with Tom. It was then he noticed how much Whisky Kellin had gone through. “I thought guys couldn’t be pretty,” he said slowly.

               “You are though,” Kellin argued, taking a hand and turning it over to see all of Oli’s tattoos that peaked out from under the cuff of his dark plaid shirt. “Look at all these colors. You’re a rainbow…” Kellin giggled. He held the hand for moment, muttering something about lucky charms and then looked innocently up at Oli, his eyes glassy from the whisky. “You’re so pretty. I wish I could date you.”

               “Kells, we are dating,” gently corrected Oli.

               “W’are? Wow. I am so lucky…”

               “How many people have you dated,” Tom asked, genuine curiosity on his face.

               “Just dated or done the do with too? Hey that rhymes…”

               “Had sex with.”

               Holding up his hands Kellin attempted to count, saying aloud, “Derek, Josh, Sam, Ezekial, though he wasn’t really good…Josia, Christian, Jasper, Otto…I guess this many,” he said, holding out eight fingers. “Wow I have been so busy,” he added, looking at his fingers.

               “And I am so cutting you off and taking you back to the hotel to sleep this off,” Oli chuckled to himself, finishing his drink and handing Tom his wallet to square the tab. “Alright Love, it’s time to go,” guided the eldest boy, tugging Kellin up and holding him steady as his legs wobbled.

               “It feels like we’re in California…” Kellin slurred.

               “What?” Tom asked as he returned.

               “Earthquake…” Kellin muttered.

               “Because the floor is probably moving for him,” Oli deduced, leading them out the door. The pub wasn’t far from the hotel, but by two blocks, Kellin was so unsteady that Oli simply lifted him onto his back, and Kellin readily snuggled against him.

               “At least he loves you even when he’s drunk,” Tom teased, opening the door for them. “You need any help getting him up there?”

               “No, thanks,” Oli grunted. He just needed to get to the room so he could set the boy down. Oli was fit but Edinburgh was hilly.

               “I’ll tell mum you’re sleeping in tomorrow,” Tom winked and headed up the stairs, and for once Oli felt grateful to him.

               Once in their room, Kellin stirred against him, tightening his arms around him and muttering, “Y’ smell nice. I love you,” as Oli set him on the bed.

               “I love you too, love,” Oli answered affectionately, and began to help Kellin undress by taking off his shoes and socks, and then lifting his usual band t-shirt over his head. It was as Kellin re-emerged that he reached up, grasping Oli’s shirt and kissing him. At first Oli was confused, but apparently Kellin was just as attracted to him drunk as he was sober, and he let himself be kissed (even if it was a bit sloppy) for a minute. That was, until Kellin started fumbling at the buttons of his shirt.

               Stilling Kellin’s hands with his larger ones, Oli broke the kiss and sat up a bit. “Not tonight love,” he said tenderly. He had expected Kellin to let it go and maybe sleep, but what he hadn’t expected was Kellin’s brow to furrow and tears to gather in his eyes.

               “Don’t you…don’t you want me…?”

               Oli was taken aback by the question. “Of course I do Kells, I love you.”

               “But…but you won’t let me have sex with you…”

               “Kellin, you’re drunk. We will get to sex when you’re sober.”

               Kellin shook his head vehemently. “No, you d’nt even want me then…”

               Against his better judgement, Oli argued back. It was obvious that some of this was not just Kellin being drunk. “Of course I want you Kellin. I love you very much.”

               “Then why don’t you trust me when I’m with you? You know I wouldn’t hurt you…It’s cause I’m not sexy isn’it? Or is it cause I’m a slut?”

               “What? Kells, no, I adore you-“

               “-no you just like my personality. You wrote it with psycho doctor. You never say you like me that way but I’m…I’m…”

               “You’re what?”

               “I dn’t know…It’s…you’re all fit, and thin and I’m…I’m not. And I’ve slept with so many guys…” Oli was taken aback. Kellin had always been so confident and comfortable with his body and sexuality. Didn’t Kellin know how gorgeous he was? Since when did he care how many guys Kellin slept with? If anything, it was intimidating. Where on earth was this coming from? “And…and I’ve been trying not to eat as much…”

               “Is that why you’ve been picking at your food the last couple days?” Oli asked incredulously.

               Kellin nodded, tears beginning to fall, and sobs bubbled up. “I thought maybe you’d want to have sex with me if I lost weight…and I’ll keep trying-“

               “No!” Oli cut him off. “Kellin Quinn, you listen to me. You are perfect just the way you are. You do not need to change anything about yourself for anyone. Love, trust me when I say I lust after you plenty. I’m just apparently bad at communicating that. And tomorrow, when you are feeling better, and sober, we will talk about it. But right now, I want you to know that I will absolutely have sex with you when the time is right, and you turn me on all the time. I’m sorry if my reluctance hurt you, but it’s not a reflection of how I feel for you, love. It’s a reflection of me dealing with my shitty past so I can be with you fully. So right now, I’m going to help finish making you comfy. I want you to drink some water, and I’m going to stay with you while you sleep this off. Alright?”

               The taller boy could tell that Kellin hadn’t gotten quite all of that, but nodded, and allowed Oli to remove his jeans, still sniffling with tears. Oli kissed them away and then made Kellin drink at least a full glass of water before slipping his night shirt on and tucking him under the sheets. Oli eventually slipped in behind him, spooning the other boy to make sure he could make sure Kellin wasn’t going to choke at any time, his thoughts a mire. It hurt so much to see Kellin so self-conscious, and Oli berated himself for not at least telling Kellin once in awhile how much that body inspired him. He hadn’t realized how much it had bothered his boyfriend, to the point that Kellin felt that Oli’s inability to let go of what he went through was on him. Weren’t they a pair?

               Running his hand up and down Kellin’s chest as he felt the other fall asleep, Oli vowed that Kellin would know exactly how much Oli adored him, including his body.

 

 

               Kellin knew he had a headache before he even opened his eyes. Consciousness was slow to creep back to him, logy as it slogged down his aching limbs. The bright sunlight sent daggers into his skull, but the worst pain centered around his stomach, and with a sudden movement he was up and stumbling to the bathroom. Desperately he prayed to the porcelain gods, revisiting everything he’d eaten and drank the night before until he was gagging, arms shaking as they tried to hold him up. Oh God everything hurt.

               Suddenly there were gentle fingers pulling his ebony hair back, and a warm arm around his chest to help hold him up. “It’s alright love, just take it easy,” a voice crooned in his ear. Oli.

               Gagging until he cried and there was nothing left, Kellin tried to get his breathing under control, moaning pathetically at how much his head hurt. The last thing he could recall was going to the pub with Oli and Tom, but he couldn’t remember much after that. He didn’t even remember coming back to the hotel. Oli must have made sure he’d gotten back in one piece.

               Sensing he was done for now, Oli helped him rinse his mouth out with minty mouthwash, and then slipped an arm under Kellin’s shoulders to help him back to bed. Tucking him in, Kellin felt the bed dip as Oli sat on the edge running his fingers through Kellin’s sweaty hair.

               “m’dying,” Kellin whined, eyes opening just a sliver to see Oli looking down at him with both concern and adoration. How could he even look at someone that way after he’d seen them puke their guts up?

               “I’m not surprised. Do you remember anything from last night?” he asked in a soft voice.

               “I remember going to the pub, but I don’t remember much after. I don’t remember coming back here.”

               “Well five glasses of single malt whisky will do that to you,” Oli smirked.

               Kellin groaned and buried his head in his pillow, “I’m never drinking whisky again…”

               “I daresay not. But I do want you to have some water here and some aspirin.”

               That earned him a moan into his pillow, but Oli was not having no for an answer, and helped direct Kellin upward to drink and take the proffered pills. Once back down, Kellin miserably sighed. “You must be so disgusted…”

               Oli’s brows furrowed and he frowned. “Why would I be disgusted?”

               “I got drunk on you. I didn’t realize it was that strong and I just…I hope I didn’t embarrass you.”

               At this Oli’s laugh echoed in the room. “You were kind of adorable for half of it. You forgot we were dating, called me pretty, and then asked if you could date me, and you were very excited when I told you that we already were.”

               “Oh God. I am so sorry.”

               “No love, I’m the one that’s sorry,” Oli calmed and sighed, resting his hand on Kellin’s cheek.

               “What? Why? What happened?” They hadn’t had sex had they? What if he tried to force himself on Oli? Bile clawed at Kellin’s insides painfully.

               “I didn’t realize you were feeling insecure because of me. In your pissed state, you confessed that you thought I didn’t want you because I didn’t think you are attractive enough, and that you’d slept with too many people.”

               Blue eyes widening, Kellin fidgeted with the edge of the blanket and looked away. “Well, I know I’m not really fit like you and my stuff is big on you and I know you’ve been through so much, but…but I thought maybe I was holding you back too. Like maybe I’m not to the right shape, or I’m too fat, or I’ve slept with too many guys and it weirded you out, like I’m kind of a whor-“

               Fingers came to rest on his lips to stop him. “Kells, you’re not fat, and while experienced, you are certainly not a whore. In fact, I believe I’d told you that the latter is rather intimidating for someone like me. As for the former statement, you might have more curves than me, but that’s because I forget to take care of myself sometimes, and I just got used to not eating very much when I was addicted to Ketamine. I’ll never look and be as healthy as you probably. But your body is amazing Kellin. You drive me nuts sometimes with it.”

               “Really?”

               “Really really. Sometimes just seeing your ass in those black jeans you have will have me buzzin’ for hours. And when you lay next to me at night? Our bodies fit perfectly, and they wouldn’t be able to if both of us were skin and bones like me. That would be uncomfortable. But I love you. All of you.”

               Happy tears gathered in his eyes, and he found himself unable to speak for once. Oli seemed to realize this and leaned down and kissed the crown of his head. “I’m going to go draw you a bath, and make a couple calls. It will help you feel better. I promise.”

               He wanted to argue, his headache still present, along with the nausea, but Oli was already up and disappearing into the bathroom. He let his eyes slide shut. So all his worrying had been for nothing? Oli really wasn’t worried about how fit he was or wasn’t?

               He must have started dozing, because next thing he knew, colorful arms lifted him seemingly easily into the air, holding on under his butt until he was set on the edge of the tub. It was full of bubbles and smelled pleasant, managing to not aggravate his hammering head. Oli slipped the sweaty shirt off. Kellin went to try and help with his boxers, but Oli was already on it, carefully sliding them down and then helping Kellin into the warm water. Unlike a couple of the other hotels, this marble bathtub was perfect for sitting in, and the heat sunk readily into his aching joints.

               Kellin reached for the little bottle of shampoo but Oli plucked it from him before he could get to it. “Let me,” he requested, taking a cup from the sink and wetting Kellin’s long black locks. As per usual, Oli’s long fingers were magical, massaging the other boy’s scalp in a way that seemed to alleviate the headache almost instantly.

               “I love your hair. It’s always soft, and you do this little thing where you keep touching it and tucking it back when you’re nervous,” Oli crooned. “And when you pull it back? I could just kiss you every time you look at me.”

               Kellin felt his heart swell at the words, but Oli wasn’t done. After rinsing his hair and conditioning it, Oli began to wash the rest of him with a soft cloth, massaging as he went. “I love your back. It’s so smooth and when I press my chest against it, it’s like our hearts are beating together. And this arm,” Oli continued, washing down the left arm, “is my favorite arm to put my head on when I lay with you. And then this other arm is my favorite overall, because every time I look at it, I’m reminded of how you let me be a part of you, permanently. And these hands, are the perfect size for fitting in mine, and making me feel things that make it seem like I’m going to burn from the inside out. And this chest, is the perfect chest to rest against when I’m having a terrible day, and it holds my favorite heart in the whole wide world. And these legs are so strong. They tangle with mine as if they were made to, and they’re powerful enough to lift me when I’m too weak with strep throat. And, of course, this face,” Oli lulled, wiping the sweat and sickness from it tenderly, “is the most attractive thing I’ve ever seen. From this sensual brow that pinches when you’re concentrating, to this adorably straight nose, to this handsome jaw, and these lips…” Oli’s lips ghosted over his own before he continued, “that are so irresistible that sometimes I can’t help myself.”

               A knock at the door made Kellin jump from the puddle of mush he had turned into with Oli’s words and administrations, and Oli kissed his forehead as he said, “I’ll let you soak a few more minutes while I set some things up.”

               Leaning back in the tub, Kellin allowed Oli’s words to sink in. Never in his life had someone worshipped him like that boy just had. For the first time in days, Kellin felt loved from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, and despite his nausea and slowly dissipating headache, he couldn’t help but grin like a fool.

               “Alright love,” Oli announced as he came back in with comfortable clothes for Kellin to wear. “Ready to be dry?”

               “Yeah, I think so,” Kellin answered dreamily. Oli even helped dry him, wrapping him in the fluffy white towels and making sure he was cared for even in those small acts. After turning to give him a bit of privacy while he dressed, Oli led him out to the living room instead of back to the bedroom, to Kellin’s surprise. As soon as he did, Kellin realized why. On every flat surface, from the mantel to the desk to the end tables and coffee table were vases of beautiful fresh flowers of all colors, brightening the room as rain lashed at the windows, obscuring the view of the castle. Flames were hissing pleasantly in the fireplace, creating a cozy atmosphere. The coffee table was laden with several trays. One Kellin recognized as a full tea service, and the others containing bacon, sausage, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, baked beans, hash browns, black pudding, scones and scrambled eggs.

               Awe turned to the lightest feeling, butterflies trapped in his chest and fluttering up his throat. It was so much. It was so sweet, and Kellin furiously wiped away at his happy tears, overwhelmed by that feeling of being so cherished that he thought he might spontaneously combust.

               “I just had them bring up a bit of everything,” Oli began a bit nervously, pulling Kellin to the sofa. “I know you probably still feel nauseous, but I want you to eat for me. It will help you feel better, especially after eating so little the past couple days. No wonder you had a headache the other night…”

               Kellin’s stomach flip flopped, at the sight of food, but the smell didn’t turn him off. Curling up next to his boyfriend, Oli handed him a plate. Then those beautifully inked fingers set about pouring the tea into the beautiful flower-patterned cups, this time not even bothering to check with Kellin before adding milk and sugar, just the way Kellin tolerated it.

               At first Kellin just nibbled at the eggs and scones, unsure of his stomach yet, but as he continued he felt much better, and ended up eating two plates of it, much to Oli’s relief. With a full, much happier stomach, Kellin sipped his tea and looked at the flowers, his heart glowing. “I feel like royalty for sure now,” he sighed happily.

               “Oh yeah, ‘most forgot,” Oli said, setting the china down (which looked like a biker setting down a teacup chihuahua), and getting up and going over to the sideboard where the largest bouquet was. Coming back with a gorgeous flower crown of gardenias he placed it on Kellin’s head and grinned. “There. Now my prince has a crown.” Kellin was sure he could never blushed harder.

               “You are the wettest person I know,” he accused, but kissed Oli lovingly as soon as he sat back down.

               “Speaking of wet,” Oli started, fidgeting with Kellin’s hands in his own. “I was thinking, our first full day in Glasgow we should…”

               “Should what? What do you want to do there?” Kellin pressed, surprised Oli was being so shy all of a sudden after such a display of love.

               “You,” came the answer, whispered to the air as the hazel eyes glanced unsurely into his own. Kellin was wrong. He could blush harder.

               “You’re ready?” Kellin inquired, making sure his own insecurity hadn’t pushed Oli for a decision.

               “I’d been thinking about it since the moors, and I figured we could just spend the day together, do a little hiking, eat dinner, and then…yeah. That way I could be ready and we would have time and no one would bother us, and we wouldn’t have to think about getting up for flights or being tired from traveling. I thought a lot about what you said about it being a dance, and I trust you, and I think I’m ready to learn how to dance with you.”

               His insides lit up like a Christmas tree and he grabbed Oli’s face, kissing him with passion, trying to convey with his tongue how much he wanted this.

               “I take it that’s alright with you?”

               “That is the best plan you’ve ever come up with, ever,” Kellin sighed, kissing the other boy once more to seal the deal.

               Oli’s shy smiled melted Kellin’s heart, and adjusting his crown, he laid down on the couch, letting his head lay in the taller boy’s lap. He felt sated and happier than he ever had been. Despite all his partners, none of them had ever even come close to courting him the way Oli had. Sure, they had been fun and the sex had been entertaining, but they weren’t romantic. No one had ever been this sweet to him. It made him want to do something for the other boy. Something to remind Oli of how much he adored him. But what?

               Finger tips brushed through his drying locks, and Kellin hummed happily, eyes slipping shut as his breathing evened out. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, but it was long enough to fall back asleep. When he woke his head was on a pillow, he was covered in a blanket, and Oli’s low voice was at the door, thanking someone for dropping something off. The rain was still pounding at the windows, but the trays of food had been cleared away, and Oli had the TV on, turned low. He felt so much better, nearly a hundred percent, and every time he looked at the flowers about the room he felt his heart burst all over again.

               “Who was that baby?” he asked as Oli came back, carrying a plastic suit shield with a hanger.

               “My mother is a traditionalist,” Oli groaned, exasperation in his voice. “We’re going to go visit my grandparents’ graves and then go to a ceilidh, so you may as well get dressed.”

               “Should I wear something nice?” Kellin asked, sitting up and wiping the sleep from his eyes, wondering what the heck a ceilidh was.

                “Yeah, nice jeans and comfy shoes, and I already had your one button-up shirt ironed because it was crumpled in your dufflebag. Here,” Oli said, handing Kellin one of the hangers covered by the protective plastic, and Kellin thought he saw a glimpse of plaid in the other.

               Kellin kissed his cheek in thanks and said, “I’ll get changed first then. We leaving soon?”

               “I was going to wake you up,” Oli confirmed.

               “I’ll be in and out of the bathroom then.”

               True to his word, Kellin cleaned up, feeling much better about himself as he slipped the skinny black jeans on and buttoned up the white shirt. After brushing his hair and teeth, he hopped out to wait for Oli. As he did, there was knock on his door. Opening it, Kellin was surprised not because he found Tom and Ms. Sykes there, but because of what they were wearing. Ms. Sykes was wearing a fitted white shirt, like Kellin, but sported a plaid skirt, her hair done up and her makeup on point. Tom was sporting a kilt and button-up shirt, looking every bit the young burley Scottish gentlemen, the tartan matching his mother’s, of which he looked not terribly pleased about.

               “Are you two ready?” Ms. Sykes asked with a smile.

               “I am. I’m just waiting on…”Kellin trailed off as he heard the bathroom door open, and out came his boyfriend. Like his brother he sported the blue and grey kilt, small lines of gold running through it and making the amber in his eyes pop, along with a white shirt hugging his slim frame, the top few buttons open to see his tattoos. The kilt accentuated his long, slim, colorful legs, and Kellin had to stop himself from drooling.

Those same eyes looked embarrassed, and Oli sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and muttered to his mother, “I can’t believe you’re making me wear this…”

“Your grandmother would be so chuffed to see you in it! Both her handsome grandsons coming to visit in their clan gear. Now come along,” Ms. Sykes praised and guided her gaggle of boys down to the lobby and out the door.

After a short trip to the nearby cemetery, they came to a large hall-like pub, and Kellin looked around at the ornate stonework and glass. It was like being back inside the castle.

“So what’s a ceilidh?” he asked Ms. Sykes as they were seated at one of the tables.

“Oh, Oli didn’t tell you?”

Oli appeared to be trying to hide behind his menu, still looking uncomfortable in his kilt. “No, he didn’t.”

“Well it’s a traditional Scottish dance. This one will serve us dinner, and then the band will start, and the announcer will call out the dances and we enjoy a night of traditional Scottish dancing.”

“I don’t know any of the dances,” Kellin frowned. “It sounds like so much fun though!”

“Oh dear, you don’t need to worry about knowing them! Oli certainly knows them, and he can lead you along, and Tom knows them too. In fact, when he was little Oli used to make me strip the willow with him all the time! Absolutely loved it! I used to make them go to the classes together when they were tots. They were so cute then. And the different moves will be announced so once you get going, you’ll be fine,” Ms. Sykes reassured.

“We haven’t danced them for awhile but it’s not too bad,” Tom agreed, his eyes on a pretty blond girl sitting a table over. Oli, however, looked like he wanted to disappear into his chair.

As the evening wound on, Kellin watched the little band set up on the stage. As soon as their dessert of sticky toffee pudding was finished, dancers began to head to the main floor to set up for the first dance.

“C’mon,” Kellin beamed, tugging at Oli’s hands, while Tom followed his mother to the floor. Oli finally let himself be pulled up with a sigh.

“I haven’t done this in forever,” he grimaced, hearing the band warm up.

“And I’ve never done it. It will be fun. Please? For me?”

This seemed to do the trick as a softness came to those endearing hazel eyes and Oli allowed himself to be tugged to the dance floor.

“Let’s begin with the Virginia Reel!” called the announcer, to which there were several whoops. Kellin lined up with the ladies with Oli across from him. As the music started the announcer called out moves, and Kellin did his best to keep up, turning and spinning with Oli, the lead couple then dancing down in between the rows and back up. It was easy enough, and Kellin couldn’t help himself from smiling as they bounced about.

On they went through the Britannia Two-step (with Ms. Sykes rounding out their third as Tom went to the pretty blond), The Flying Scotsman and several more dances. The Gay Gordons was a particular favorite of Oli’s, Kellin came to learn as the other boy relaxed. He had great fun spinning and moving Kellin about the dance floor without having to switch partners, kilt swishing here and there, sometimes so high that Kellin was sure Oli must have had nothing on underneath. Kellin thought the best one, however, was Stripping the Willow.

Coming to two lines again, everyone was already stomping and clapping as the band struck up. The lead couple spun and then turned with each partner down the line, coming back to their original partner in between. Some dancers were half drunk and by the time Kellin and Oli’s turn came, Kellin was giggling and laughing so hard as he went down the line that Oli and he almost spun out several times. Oli, despite his reluctance, was an excellent partner, grinning and keeping Kellin upright and in check.

“That was so much fun! Why can’t we have those in Detroit?!” Kellin lamented loudly as they walked back to the hotel, the rain having stopped while they danced. His feet were sore from dancing so much, and his sides hurt from laughing, but it was a night he would never forget.

“I knew you’d love it,” Ms. Sykes twittered. “It was nice to see my lessons weren’t wasted either,” she said, eyeing Oli and Tom.

“Definitely not wasted,” Kellin grinned up at his boyfriend, taking his hand as Oli returned a coy smile.

Oli crashed onto the bed as soon as they got to their hotel room. Kellin tickled the bare back of his legs, causing the tattooed boy to gasp, “Oi!” and flip over in indignance, which only served to make Kellin laugh.

“I was just curious to see if you wearing anything under that thing,” Kellin said, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping his night shirt over his head.

“Well that’s the way a kilts supposed to be worn, innit?”

Kellin paused in his dressing. “Like what?”

“You don’t wear anything under them,” Oli pouted, drawing the outside edge up to his bare hip bone for Kellin to see that indeed he was wearing nothing underneath. Seeing Oli carelessly spread on the bed, kilt hitched up to his bare hip and lips moued adorably caused Kellin’s heart to stutter and he had to turn away to gain his composure.

“You better put your skirt back down or we’re not going to make it to Glasgow,” he groaned, trying to get his body back under control. Really, no one had a right to be that sexy in plaid.

“It’s a kilt,” Oli teased, and grabbing his nightwear, disappeared to the bathroom to get changed. Pulling a bottle of ice cold water from the little fridge in the suite, Kellin gulped it down rapidly, and then stared at the closed bathroom door. It was going to be a long 48 hours.    

              

 

               The next day seem to pass in a blur for Oli. They didn’t leave until later in the morning, and even though it was a short, rainy train ride to Glasgow, he couldn’t help but feel a sort of weight settle on him when the train pulled into the station. His decision to let the past go and trust Kellin fully felt heavy in his bones. Apprehension twisted in his gut, and he did his best to give himself positive reassurance that Kellin would be gentle and kind with him. It was ok if he wasn’t perfect the first time around.

               The feeling became even more solid as they came to the hotel. Located in the heart of Glasgow, it was a grand building, with beautiful rooms in red accents, and even a balcony for them to have breakfast and tea. To anyone else it was luxury. And while Oli was very excited to finally be with Kellin in that way, he was also incredibly nervous, making the room seem almost like a prison.

               Even after walking around the different shops of the great city for hours that afternoon, the nervous energy was still present as Oli lay with Kellin that night. The other boy slept comfortably in Oli’s arms, but Oli lay awake for some time, thinking about how the very next night that bed would be put to very different purposes.

               The day dawned sunny and bright, and for once Kellin was up before him, brighter than the sun as his excited energy seemed to burst out in waves. This had a two fold effect on Oli: it fed his excitement at spending the day alone with Kellin, as well as fed his anxiety for the coming evening.

               “What am I wearing today?” Kellin asked, pulling his duffle bag out and setting it onto the bed.

               “Er, something comfortable to hike in. I want to take you up to the Lochs.”

               “Are we going to meet Nessie?” beamed Kellin, pulling out Oli’s favorite pair of skinny jeans that hugged his hips and thighs in all the right places, along with his customary band t-shirt.

               Rolling his eyes, Oli gave an echo of the smile. “That’s a tourist trap. We’re going up to Lomond. You’ll like it.” His prediction was correct too, and Oli felt his heart beat with ardor as Kellin looked about the area with wonder as they arrived. The sun turned the Loch into a million diamonds, boats gliding lazily over the surface with the breeze. Mountains and hills embraced the cerulean waters, cradling the waters in majesty.

               “We’re climbing this?” Kellin asked, frowning at the steep hill before them.

               “Yes, don’t worry. It’s worth the view,” Oli reassured. He has climbed it with his mother once, when he was very small. He remembered insisting that he could make it to the top all by himself, while his mother carried a very young Tom.

               The gorgeous pine forest at the base quickly gave way to grazing lands, and he could hear Kellin’s labored breaths just behind his shoulder as the dirt trail wound ever upward.

               “Is this some sort of brilliant plan…to murder me…and make it look like an accident?” Kellin joked, panting as they neared the summit. Working hard as well, Oli just stuck out his tongue with a smile in response.

               Once at the top, Kellin quickly forgot the effort to get there and gazed around, his jaw open in awe. “Woah.” Oli watched him absorb the view for several moments, and then took the other boy’s hand gently, instantly earning Kellin’s attention.

               There was nothing but the cool wind for a moment, until Oli began quietly, “You know, if someone had told me a year ago at this time I would be hiking Loch Lomond with a boyfriend who is my most treasured being in the world, I would have told them to go smoke another one because they’ve lost the plot. It’s so weird to think of this future I have now, just stretched out in front of me, like I might live to see not just another year, but maybe even grey hair and wrinkles. And all of that is because I know you.”

               When he glanced over, he could see Kellin’s eyes look suspiciously wet, and felt the other squeeze his hand as tight as if they were back in the plane, taking off. “I’m so proud of you,” Kellin answered. “You’ve made so much amazing progress since I met you. Like, it feels like I was digging in a mine, and I kept coming up with fools gold, and then all of a sudden I came across a real diamond in the rough, and yeah it’s a little dirty, and needs some polishing, but it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ll never let it go. Watching you grow and overcome all the shit life’s thrown at you has been the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever been a part of. You started off buried in dirt and now you’re soaring past the rooftops, full of blooms and thriving. I only hope you realize how amazing you are, and when you forget, I’ll be here to remind you. In fact…” Kellin lead on, letting go of his boyfriend’s hand and digging around in his pocket for something.

               Oli wasn’t sure what it was at first, but then his wrist was grabbed and Kellin clipped a small, thin, woven cloth bracelet onto him. “Where did you get this?” asked Oli, holding it up and admiring the dark brown cloth and the metal plate with a tiny black heart in the center.

               “Found it at one of the stores yesterday. Look at the backside of the plate.”

               Turning it, Oli could make out the words _Don’t you dare forget the sun._ And suddenly Oli felt his eyes become wet as well, and he did his best to blink it away.

               “I know you’re not a jewelry person, but I wanted something to remind you that wrists are for bracelets, not for cutting, but I didn’t know if you’d find it-“

               “-Perfect. It’s perfect,” Oli cut him off, and turning to him, pulled the other boy close, kissing him with adoration in thanks.

               Kellin’s fingers graced his narrow hips as he was tugged closer. They kissed for several minutes, until Kellin pulled back, panting and grinning, and he whispered against Oli’s lips, “I cannot wait to do that again this evening.”

               Oli bit his lip, some of the nerves creeping back in, but kissed Kellin’s nose and said, “Be patient.”

               “When have you ever known me to be patient?” Kellin raised an eyebrow at him.

               “That’s a fair point.”

               “At least it’s not raining this time,” Kellin said as they turned back to go down the trail hand in hand, causing Oli to chuckle lightly.

               “The Gorse up here is in bloom,” he answered, nodding to a few brightly blooming yellow bushes. “Kissing is back in season.”

 

 

               “You always pick the best restaurants, not that I could understand the waitress, but I can’t understand anyone in this city,” said Kellin, polishing off his scallops happily. Oli was simply happy to see him eating like himself again. “Like you have really sophisticated tastes.”

               Oli picked at his gnocchi, trying to keep his anxiety under wraps. Letting his hazel eyes meet blue, he returned the sentiment. “Well I always try to find a place that does vegetarian well, ‘cause some places just slap vegetables on a plate and call it dinner. Or its always some sort of boring pasta. This one had the most options.”

               “See? Sophisticated. I could eat pasta everyday and not get tired of it.”

               “Do you even know how to cook pasta?”

               “Well I’m sure I could figure it out. How hard could it be.”

               “When we find an apartment, I’m making sure it’s an electric stove,” Oli teased, and then stole a bite of Kellin’s crème brulee after it was set in front of him. Kellin pushed it to the middle automatically to share.

               “It’s going to be so nice having our own apartment and not having to go back and forth to each other’s houses all the time. Finally get some privacy,” Kellin sighed in bliss, licking his spoon in a way that had Oli crossing his legs.

               “Domestic bliss much?”

               “Oh please I know you fantasize about it too,” Kellin countered.

               After paying the bill Oli walked with him back to the hotel. “Yeah. I guess certain aspects of it.”

               “Like what?” Kellin asked curiously, taking the other boy’s hand.

               “Right, well, I think just mostly being around you more. The little stuff. Like laying with you at night, your scent being on everything, waking up with you, hearing your voice more, brushing our teeth and shaving together. Gushy stuff like that.” If Kellin’s grin got any wider, Oli was sure it would fall right off his face. “What about you?”

               “Um, definitely the sleeping with you, and other activities in beds,” Kellin skipped a couple steps. “Eating dinner with you at night. Having you with me when I’m studying. Just being able to touch you and hold you whenever. Privacy from our families.”

               Oli was glad for the conversation that distracted them as they walked back. The streetlamps were illuminating the crisp air, and night had fallen on Glasgow. The room seemed even more intimidating in the dark than the light, and Oli wasn’t sure how that was possible.

               “Look this is so cute!” Kellin grinned as they came back. The washcloths from the bathroom had been folded into swans and rose petals were spread on the sheets. Oli’s cheeks went pink. How did those workers know?

               “I’m just going to get cleaned up quick and then I’ll let you have the bathroom,” Kellin promised. Oli plucked at the petals with nerves, trying to remind himself that Kellin had said it was a dance, and it was alright if he was rubbish the first time round. But what about the next time, and the next? What if…what if Oli couldn’t do it without the ketamine in his system?

               “All yours baby,” Kellin stepped out in his briefs and t-shirt, fresh-faced and teasing Oli subtly with his thighs.

               Oli slipped into the bathroom. After rinsing off in the shower, he brushed his teeth, his hazel eyes terrified even in the mirror. Could he do this? He didn’t want to disappoint Kellin, and after seeing the other boy’s milky legs he desperately wanted him. But his anxiety whispered back that he wouldn’t be good, and that without the drugs, or the need for him, he was nothing.

               He must have stayed an inordinately long time, because suddenly there was a knock at the bathroom door and his boyfriend poked his head in. “You ok baby?”

               Oli looked away, one hand clutching his other wrist. “Just…just nervous.”

               “Oh Oli, we don’t have to do it tonight if you’re scared baby,” Kellin gave a sympathetic look and approached Oli, running his hands up and down the brilliant arms.

               “No! I…I want to. I just…”

               “Y’know I was thinking,” Kellin began. “I know I’ve done this a few more times than you, but I don’t want you to feel any pressure, so I think our best bet is for me to guide you, but for you to be on top and have control.”

               Amber eyes looked up sharply. “What if I hurt you?” he whispered.

               “I know you. You won’t. And like I said, I’ll guide you the whole time,” Kellin answered against his lips. Then those precious pillows were on his, Kellin’s arms coming over his shoulders while his own hands wandered to the other’s hips.

               Deepening the kiss, Kellin pulled them out of the bathroom, Oli following as if hypnotized. Kellin had turned the lamp lights down low, and he sat down on the bed in the dim light. It was as if the ebony haired boy hand grown extra limbs, and Oli could feel his hands everywhere, through his damp locks, running down his bare chest, pulling  his hips close, creating the most delicious friction Oli had ever experienced, leaving him hard and panting against the other boy.

               “C’mere baby,” Kellin murmured, guiding Oli onto the bed and pressing him against the pillows. Kellin slipped his shirt off and suddenly they were chest to chest, and Oli could feel Kellin breathe against him, and vaguely wondered if the other boy could feel his heart trying to hammer out of his chest in excitement. He ached like he never had in his life, his hips unconsciously thrusting up into Kellin’s and causing the other boy to suddenly lose his breath.

               “Fuck baby, I’m not going to last long,” Kellin chuckled breathlessly against him. “I want you so fucking bad,” he added before kissing Oli with such intensity that the latter thought he was going to pass out, moans of pleasure coming from deep within his chest. At this rate he was not going to last very long either. Letting his fingers wander lower he tugged Kellin’s briefs off, before kicking off his own.

               Taking in the other boy’s naked, writhing form, “Beautiful…” tumbled from his lips, earning him an enthusiastic response as Kellin’s talented mouth sucked and bit at the sensitive flesh on Oli’s neck.

Kellin’s hands wandered lower, first teasing Oli’s nipples and then onto his stiff member, causing the other boy to see stars. “I think you’re ready baby. You ok?” Kellin checked quickly, and Oli could see the unadulterated lust in the other’s eyes, lips swollen from kissing him, and he’d never been more turned on. He nodded.

In a flash, Kellin seemed to have a condom and lube in his hand, and he expertly fitted his boyfriend, Oli holding onto the boy’s hips for dear life to stop himself from losing it just at the feel of Kellin’s warm hand. Using his knees, the shorter boy rolled them both so now he was against the pillows, ebony tendrils splayed onto the pillow carelessly. Holding up the KY tube he asked, “You know how to prep me or you need help?”

Oli simply placed a loving kiss on those gorgeous lips and muttered, “Got it.” He did know how to do some things.

“Take your time,” Kellin puffed against him. “I haven’t played underdog in awhile.” So, Oli did just that, as hard as it was. Slipping Kellin’s knee over his shoulder, the boy wrapped the other around the tattooed waist, gripping him tight. Oli was apparently not the only one struggling to hold back. By the time he had three fingers in, Kellin was groaning, whining for Oli to just fully enter him and let him release. The tenor of his voice drove Oli to the point that he thought he might spill before he even got in there. Taking a deep breath to remind himself that he wanted to make it as good as he could for Kellin, he slowly entered, feeling Kellin tighten against him, the other boy panting to adjust until he relaxed. The waiting was torture.

“C’mon baby, move for me,” Kellin instructed, wrapping his strong arms up around Oli’s back, With a twitch of his hips he was away, pleasure like nothing else rocking through his system. After a few thrusts he adjusted to hold Kellin better, and he knew he’d hit the prostrate, as Kellin was suddenly very loud, crying out in pleasure and causing Oli to speed up. Oli tried to hold out as long as he could, but no one had ever made him feel the way Kellin did. If anyone was in the rooms next to them, they were awake now as Kellin climaxed just moments before Oli. Trying to catch their breaths, Oli pulled out to let Kellin be a bit more comfortable, before collapsing onto the stickiness coating the other boy’s chest and stomach, his arms no longer able to hold him up. Kellin’s fingers ran through his curls, and Oli could feel the devilish lips on the crown of his head.

“I have no idea why you were ever nervous, cause holy shit. That was worth the wait,” Kellin encouraged.

When Oli felt the strength return to his limbs, he pushed himself up, though his arms still shook, relief flooding through him. “I had a good guide,” he murmured, voice hoarse. Kissing Kellin’s forehead he crawled off of him and to the bathroom, discarding the waste and grabbing a warm wet cloth. When he returned he cleaned the other boy off gingerly, as well as himself, before crawling under the covers. Reaching up, Kellin kissed him tenderly, tangling their limbs together, satisfaction practically oozing through his skin.

“I love you,” Kellin whispered against him, their noses bumping gently in eskimo kisses.

“Love you back,” Oli replied, and pulled Kellin just a bit closer, and fell into a blissful sleep.

 

 

Kellin could hear the birds outside his window when he woke the next morning. The second thing he became aware of was the long, warm limbs latched on to him. Eyes fluttering open he saw Oli was still asleep on the other pillow. Sunlight contrasted with the dark shadows the locks of hair cast across the frame of his face, highlighting his cutting cheeks and thin lips, opened slightly in sleep. Like this, Kellin could almost imagine Oli without his issues: relaxed, unafraid, and free, a star whose light could never be dimmed.

Long eyelashes fluttered suddenly against those elegant cheeks and the sunlight lit those hazel eyes to a brilliant bronze as Oli woke. It took everything in him to stop from giggling as their eyes met, the night before racing through both their minds.

“Good morning, love,” Oli said with such reverence that Kellin felt as though he were being bathed in golden warmth.

“Morning baby,” he echoed, letting his fingers stroke lazily down Oli’s side to his hips. “Reckless. I always wondered what that said,” Kellin mentioned off hand, looking at the words underneath the eagle on Oli’s lower stomach, just above where the sheets had pooled at his groin.

This made Oli chuckle sleepily, “Now you know. Would my prince like breakfast?”

“Well you did make him work a little bit last night. And for the record, I’m not sure reckless suits you.”

Leaning over and kissing his forehead as he sat up, Oli answered, “I recall leaping off a dock onto a moving ship to save someone once. Oh and there was that time I went with a man who I knew would murder me so no one I loved got hurt. What you mean is I’m not impulsive, like someone I adore.”

Kellin stuck his tongue out, but Oli just leaned down and kissed him in earnest.

 

They had breakfast on the balcony, and Kellin watched Oli nibble on his croissant as he looked about the beautiful view of the city, and Kellin couldn’t help but be distracted by him. He was exquisitely sore, and it was as if they had passed through a hoop of fire and come out the other side with a million dollars and unscathed. Kellin couldn’t help but see him differently. He was still the same boy with the tattoos and all the problems, but he was also a man who had taken Kellin to heights he hadn’t visited in so long. He was hands down, the most attentive partner Kellin had ever had, gentle and loving to a fault, and while he had a bit to learn yet, he had so much potential. It made Kellin giddy to know that they could discover more of it together. And if he wasn’t mistaken, Oli looked the most relaxed Kellin had seen him yet.

A knock at the door had Oli setting his tea down and Kellin tightening the complementary robe around him and following him inside, albeit a bit slower. Tom appeared in the hall when Oli opened it.

“Hey you weren’t answering your phone, so mum sent me over to let you know we’re going out in about forty five minutes. She wants to see a museum or something.”

“Alright. We’ll be ready,” Oli promised.

Tom went to leave but then paused and raised an eyebrow. “Also you’re lucky mum was taking a shower last night while you two were having fun over here.” Kellin could see Oli turn beet red. “And you,” he rounded on Kellin, “are really fucking loud.”

As soon as they shut the door, they shared a glance and burst out laughing.

 

 

The final day in Glasgow was bitter sweet. Kellin could now check the UK off his bucket travel list, and it was nice to experience Oli’s childhood. Like the UK was sad at their parting as well, it rained all the way to the airport the next day. Waiting at their gate, he noticed Oli watching him and finally asked, “Alright. Why are you staring?”

“Because. You’re not fidgeting. You’re not nervous. Totally over your plane phobia.”

“Oh. I guess I’m not as afraid as when we came here. Is that weird?”

Oli just gave him a reassuring smirk. “Knowing you? No.”

“What about you? You going to miss this?” Kellin inquired, gesturing around him.

“The airport?”

“No, the UK! Like the tea, and the culture, and the food, and all that stuff that’s familiar to you. It’s probably like leaving home all over again.”

Oli was quiet for a moment, his thoughtful eyes far away before they came back to Kellin’s. He spoke slowly. “There are parts of England that I’ll miss. My hobnobs, my tea, and the land. The smell. But Kells, this isn’t my home anymore. You are.”

At this Kellin felt his chest constrict, that loved feeling returning, burning through him like the burning of Oli entering him the other night.

“Alright, lovebirds. I have a fate to decide,” Tom announced, walking over to where Oli and Kellin were sitting by the gloomy windows. “Answer the questions here to the best of your ability,” he said, holding out his phone to his older brother.

Confused at first, Oli took the phone and looked at it, his brows pinching in concentration. Kellin gave Tom a questioning glance, but Tom just smirked and winked. What was he on?

After a few minutes of questions, Oli’s face lit up and he laughed, tongue sticking between his teeth in joy. Turning the phone for Tom and Kellin, he saw the symbol of a badger in black and yellow, the text below welcoming him to Hufflepuff house.

“And it’s the Pottermore one, designed by Rowling, so it has the final say!” Tom extoled.

“I knew you were a Hufflepuff,” Kellin grinned, sitting on the handle of he chair and taking Oli’s hand.

“Why? Not cunning enough for Slytherin?” Oli rolled his eyes.

“No. Too loyal,” Kellin said, and leaning down, captured Oli’s lips once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings! Hope you all enjoyed the vacation they took as much as I did. I did my best to make realistic train times. All the foods, hotels, places, are real and researched. Hope you enjoyed all my shitty music puns too. They're everywhere in here. These dorks slay me. Also I know in real life, those would likely not be each of their Hogwarts houses- I have a strong suspicion that in real like Oli is a Slytherin, and that Kellin may be as well. These dorks slay me. Leave kudos or not. IDGAF.


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